yosho_x

Wow, it's been awhile...
Well, I think I have something to write about. Something that I can look back on and known I've been there.
It's 8:45 a.m. I haven't slept. But it's okay. I realized something. Actually, I've been realizing it, I just think today I'm accepting it. I'm... lucky. I truly am. In all my life I would feel it wasn't fair or it was horrible. But today. I'm changing thought. I'm one of the luckiest people there is... God, I feel like crying!

Well, what makes me so lucky is... My family, my love, my friends. I've learned even though everything else is shit.. I have those most special things. Yeah, I could be rich, 2 billion dollars baby! But. What's richer is what I have now? I know it. I love my family... When I think about them I feel this inner most happiness. My grandmother, my mother, my Uncles, my cousins, my dad... I am incredibly lucky. I have the greatest family. And I'm loving it.

Justin and I, Justin and I. It first started off rocky, well, tremendously hellish really... But now everything is starting to fall into place. I mean, we still fight, don't get me wrong. But it's good. I like fighting. :P! Laugh out loud! I know now it has meaning. It needs to be there. Ah.. Justin. I met him in Sixth grade and didn't even know it! All I said to him was in the cafeteria. He was walking by and I happened to see his shirt. Leik omg, I thought, DRAGON BALL Z! So of course out of my pure fanism I had to say "I like your shirt! Cool shirt" Something of the sorts. He just looked at me like I was a freckin' idiot. "Uh, okay." Then the next year we found ourselves being friends. He sat in front of me in Mr. Ballas' class. Justin was passing a paper back to me. And of course he had to be an idiot in the process. He tossed it, it flew to the floor and I had to lean to reach it off the ground. Then it went on to him passing little drawings of a grim reaper going to kill me. ._. An idiot back then and an idiot now. What was I expecting when I got with him? Lmao. Anyways. We continued our friendship to the 11th grade. Where I decided to pop him the question. "Will you go out with me?" I told him everything, how I felt about him, how I loved him, how I loved that he made me smile and laugh all the time. I wanted more. And today, that's what I got. More. Six years best friends and two of those six years in love. We laugh all the time together, we have so much in common, we understand each other, we talk about everything, share everything, and we fight. The thing I was searching for all over the place was here all along. I'm so lucky. All the pain I ever endured in love has become... worth it. So very lucky.

I'd also like to say I'm very lucky when it comes to having friends. Growing up I'd always have the greatest friends, even if there weren't alot. I met some of the greatest people. Randy, you're awesome and sweet too. You with your "What you talkin' bout Stillwagon?" and "What you tryin' to say Caitlin?" It's a secret, but I secretly like when I say I'm ugly and you say "Caitlin, you better not say that, I'll kick your ass" kinda thing. It's comforting and hilarious at the same time. I also like hearing when you call yourself my best friend. It's nice to know that's how you think of me, as your best friend.You're a wonderful person Randy. We go back to Middle school. I love hanging out with you. You're one of those great people that I am so happy to have known and even befriended. Onto Dan the Marine. Boy, you don't know what you're doing. You blow your money on food. You date chicks and you always say the same thing about them "God, I'm so in love with this girl, she's awesome" You drive reckless, you blast your music to get attention. You drag me and Justin to places we don't want to go. But. I love ya. And secretly; I like when you drive reckless because that's when I get the sense of freedom. I just let go and enjoy the risk of things. It's funny when you blow your money. And I like it when you drag us places, even if it is all a big waste of time. But of course, you're Dan Holt. You may act like you know what you're doing when you don't, but you seem to always pull it off. You really are one of those big tough hero guys. I know you will really be one when you're out at war. But I know you'll come back too. Just 'cause you're Dan Holt. xD Thanks for all the hilarious times. Justin and I may get annoyed but we're glad you're around and we miss you when you leave. Semper-Fi, Dan. Semper-Fi. The coolest nerd I know. Today I felt so happy because a good friend of mine, Ashley. Told me how she was thinking I was her bf. Well, I thought I'd ever hear that come from her. Seeing as we used to hate each other. Lol! We may not have many things in common but we manage to really get along and like each other. Ashley, I'd have to say you're my bf too. I'm glad I'm able to help you. I haven't had a good girl friend in a long time, I'm proud to say you take that place now days. And I hope you know you're gonna be my maid of honor, even if you can't make it. You're a beautiful person, Ash. Don't let anyone tell you different! Not even Gordon.

Me. I'm always believing things happen for a reason, then the other side of me believes no, that's not true what happen happens. I'm sure in the end, I'll truly find out which side is right but for right now. I believe that I'm poor for a reason, fat for a reason, lifeless for a reason, car-less for a reason, and even lost my first job interview for a reason. I can't have everything. But I do have my family, my soul-mate and friends. I believe that's why I don't have the rest. But that's okay for now. I have to earn them. In the mean time, I'll loaf in my lucky-ness.

                 Oh yes, it indeed has been awhile since I've been here. And just nevermind the post underneath this one. It's not finished and it will never be 'cause I'm not gonna finish it. 'Cause I'm a happy slug. >__>; Anyways. How's me now days? Great I suppose. I've been really happy. I've been getting out a lot more. Not slugging around as much. Also, my shell is finally breaking. Yes, that's right boys and girls! I'm not shy, well. I am. But not nearly as much. I've been going out in public with shorts on and not caring! I've been talking on the phone with people and not being shy! Hell, I've even been talking freely to my step-dad. Which is something new, and something great.
                I'm really doing great. Which proves I'm a lot happier without those three bastards. A lot. Well, what else is new... My mom  finally has gotten a job. It's at a place called 'Twin Oaks.'  Where she goes to homes takes care of old people. We were all excited at first, because she was supposed to be getting a pay of 250 every two weeks. But lately her hours are only giving her 50 every two weeks. So yeh, that's been quite sucky. What else... Oh, this isn't really new. But might as well mention it. They didn't accept dad to get disability, though he clearly needs it. And even though the own damn judge thinks he should get it, he doesn't. So I don't know what all that shits' about. But I know we are teh poor, ........ But what else is new? =/....
                 Welp, it has finally happened. I've got a boyfriend. "OMG, NO WAY CAITLIN, U R JOKING? SO WHERE'S HE LIVE, HAWAII?!!! HAAHAHHAHAHAHAH" Hahahhah.... Nah. He lives in PA. ''OMG, LIKE.... HARRISBURG, PA?! HAHAHAH." Hahahha... Nah, he lives in Masontown, Pa. "OMG! ........................................" That's right , motha fucka! I got me a bf that lives right here, almost under my nose. Well, not really under my nose. But anyways. Yes, it's true. Infact. I've known him for... more than four years. Also, he's been my best friend for that long. x3 Yeh, it's Justin. <.< Ain't that just great? Anyways. I'm really happeh now. So... -DANCE.- Hmm... I dun know what else to say...
                    Um... yeh. I'm going to Idlewild July 23rd, with my mom, dad, Nan, my cousin Josh and HOPEFULLY IF NOTHIN' GOES WRONG, Justin is going too. <3 But yeh... Oh yeah! I got a kitten for my birthday! And omg... He's just like Ritter, my beloved cat that ran away a year ago. v.v I named him Sage. And man, is he bad. Bad kitteh. He's so meniacal while at the same time, adorable and loving. He loves to sleep with me and cuddle. And when he's hyper, he's hyper. He runs up and down the hall, just looking like a flash of black. ^^; Hm... Oh yeah, I also have a dog and a guinea pig now. Tango and Griffy. I got Griffy awhile back from Justin's sister-in-law's sister... (xD that's understandable, right?) Hes the most adorable guinea pig in the world! I LUBB him to death. And Tango, the dog. He's beautiful. But a hand full. >_> And yeh....
                   ALSO. I have failed the Tenth grade. =/... And it's all because of my stupid actions. I can only blame myself. I never really went back to school after the suicide incident and after the Physcoatric ward. After so long, it got harder and harder for me to even return to school. And eventually, here I am. Failed and repeating the year. ¬¬ Man, I always have to learn the hard way.
                     Anywho. I guess this is a good coming back post. I love you guys. What guys? I don't know. It's not like anyone reads this other than me. Oh well, I have fun doing this. It helps out alot when it comes to my complex self.
Anyways, I'm outire 5,ooo.

PS: MOON! GET YOUR BLACK ASS BACK, WE NEED TO TALK! I'VE GONE ON LONG ENOUGH WITHOUT YOU! I JUST CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE, GOD DAMN! GOD DAMN!~!~!~~#


   

Well... It's been quite awhile again. Long time, and I mean LONG time, no update. Just... So much has happened. So many shocking and surprising things. Such as Jack leaving me...

It was April 7th. And I already knew it was over before it was... It was horrible. I felt so much pain... Ecspecially when I heard it in his own voice... "I don't love you anymore...". It hit me soooo hard... I stayed on the phone with him for hours and hours... Just begging him. Begging him to please just stay with me... I sat in the cold rain. Just crying to him. And begging. Everything is so blury now.. I can't remember everything that happend. I can't detail it. But all I can remember is... I ran to Conan... Even before Jack told me it was over. And I begged Conan... I begged Joe. To please be with me... And .... He said yes... And so me and him were together even before Jack told me it's over. But it was so clear it was coming... 'So clear...

[Incomplete]

Well it's been quite awhile. And here we are again. Heh. Conan is still around. But it's all good. I tried getting him to be friends with Jack and I. But he still refuses the offer. =/ He'll only accept the relationship we once had. Ah well. I'm sorry it's either a freindship or nothing. And with that. This is his latest e-mail.


Caitlin, he is gone, and I don't know why. I want him to be me..
I hate living in this world that has been broken because of you.
I don't understand your feelings for me.
(please just read this, I know it will be long, but please listen...)
For starters Caitlin, I never hurt you once, maybe you don't understand the fact that I had no control over the situation were you think I left you.

You write on sites, everywhere about how you've missed me, and yet you won't forgive something I have no control over, and decide to get even with me by lieing to me that if I got better you would stay.

The difference between those two situations is this: I didn't hurt you consciously, and you hurt me with the intention of doing so.
I do not want to play a blame game with you though. I just want the love we once had, I easily, in my heart, forgave the lies you told me that day. You can't seem to get over something I had no control what so ever on.

I see your "friends" argument by saying this is some kind of accuse to get you back, but Caitlin, that has no effect since I didn't just pull this out of the air suddenly, you knew for a long time before that happened about it, and I warned you several times about it possibly destorying our relationship. You always promised and reassured me that it would not, and that promise remains broken.
You say to counter that with: "Promises are meant to be broken." now, if thats true, then the promises you meant with Jack must be as meaningless as the promises you made with me. I don't seriously think you love Jack either, because all you write about is me.

Caitlin, I love you, and we both have faults, and I have forgiven you for yours, why can't you do the same for me? I know I have been gone a year...but I had no control over that, and what is one year, when we still have eternity to spend together?



Conan Pierce



I do love Jack. I do... I've only written one thing about Conan since he came back. Which was when I was confused... But I know now what I want.
"I had no control over that, and what is one year, when we still have eternity to spend together?" Lmao. Nice touch. Jack just loved that.

Anyway...
As I said before. It's either a lie or the truth. Either way. I can't take it. Nor do I want it. Not anymore...

He sent me that e-mail after I made the mistake of calling him on a lonely night. ONCE again... And well. I guess I ... I don't know. I was having problems with Jack again and needed to talk to someone. And retarded I. Called Conan. Well. To be honest. It wasn't a bad conversation. Not at all. We talked about art and the tree of life! Lol. You see.. He was being his 'other self'. And that's who I was talking to. The side that was the one who broke up with me. Well, then he sat there and explained why he had to leave me. It was so he, the dark side could become full and become intelligent... Or something like that. I can't remember. But it all ended up latestly with that e-mail. I let Jack read it. He gots teh mad and wants to bash 'Conan's face in. =< Well since Conan does not want a friendship. I won't be talking to him anymore or talking about him. But who knows. The Conan book may fly open again in the future. Which I hope to hell it won't. I'll admit. I was thinking about going back to him when I called him last. But something openened my eyes pernemately. Anyways. The Conan book shall be closed. Gosh. He's like this grass stain that will not wash away from me pants... Pfft. o,O


Anywho... Now about Jack and I. Yeah, we used to be an aweful couple... Mostly because I had a trusting problem and he had his " Neglect Caitlin.." problem. Well, we worked things out last Sunday... And I couldn't be more happier or more comfortable. We truly are great together. And nothing shall pull me from him now. Last Sunday... We had the biggest fight ever. It was horrible. I said some really aweful things to him... but. We did need it in the end.. I've been so happy now. Our relationship is fixed! Yay! No more breaking up with him then getting back together with him six times in one day ever again! Lol. Dudes. I seriously did break up with him six times in a day. It was really sad... But now it's really happy! :D Yeah... He's asked me to marry him... and of course. I said yes. :>! Man. I thought I'd never feel love like this again. But it's come back and stronger than ever... Jack and I going on seven months starting tommorrow! I'm so excited. ^^ He truly is the greatest boyfriend ever! Yeah... He also has his bad sides. But that is what makes him real. He's not perfect... And that is let's me know he's not a liar or a dream... He's real. My first REAL love!!!! -Does the Jak's real dance.- ^_^! Dudes. Check out this e-mail he sent me! :

Hey, baby....just got home, leaving soon for Iowa. I'll miss you, and I'll be thinking about you ever second. Please try to have fun playing socom or something to pass the time. No dreams about me, I'll ruin them for you. Have a good time, and try not to miss me too much, baby. I love you soooo amazingly much.........

Your loving fiance,
Jack <3


Ahhh... He's absolutely sweet! And man. I'm going to miss him while he's away. He'll be back late tommorow. He has to visit his sick Grandfather... I feel aweful for him... I hope his Pap pulls out of it. <3...

Till then. I'll be thinking of you too, baby. ; . ;

Anyways. I have good news. And I have bad.
I'mma give you the bad news first. My cousin, Josh. Was shot last Monday. Good news is. He's alive and kicking. Here... he was just taking his everyday 3 mile stroll and some random guy shoots him... With a 22. It missed all his organs... And just tore through some tissue... He's okay now. The bullet hole looked like someone put a cigarette out in his skin. Lol. I'm so glad he's ok. Alot of people thought it was attepmt of suicide. Even me... It's just that... A lot's been going wrong in his life. After returning from Basic Training, he hasn't been able to keep a job. And now Tiana broke up with him. Could'nt help but think after him losing everying he seemed to value most he'd attempt suicide... But I had it all wrong and feel bad for ever thinking such a thing about him... But yeah. he's doing a hella lot of betterness. Like 15 minutes ago he walked in all happy and stuff. and I asked him how his bullet hole was healing and he's like "Yeah, look at what I can do!" And he jumped onto his hands and stood on them, clapping his feet together. Heh. I'm truly glad he's alright. I don't know what I would've done if I lost him. He's my closest relative.


Anyways.
It's been great.
Now for some Random Updates!:"
UPDATE: Justin sure has some crazy ass dreams about me....
UPDATE:Moon! Get your sorry ass on! I needed to talk to you.
UPDATE: Justin. I hope you read this. Remember to bring that 50 dollars to school so I can buy Socom 3! :>! BBF!
UPDATE: You so soft!
UPDATE: Man... I gots a cut on me finger. It burns...
UPDATE: I miss Jacky boi.;<
UPDATE: Dude. Teh witch moved out at ova my Uncles! and her lil' brat too! FREEDOM!
UPDATE: -Puts up a flag.-
UPDATE: Josh found out it was a black gang that shot him... Figures... DAMN BLACK PEOPLE. -Set's Rufu's hair on fire.-
UPDATE: KINGDOM HEARTS IS OUT! Well... We all knew that... But... I meant... KINGDOM HEART II IS OUT! I GETS TO PLAY IT THIS WEEKEND! WE!
UPDATE: Man... Nathan mist've got laid. I sware. Two hugs in a day... He's happeh... Too happy.
UPDATE: I shall kill the bitch.
UPDATE: High school sucks so much ass...
UPDATE: Pooky...
UPDATE: I get to try MEtal Gear Solid Online! This weekend shall be teh great...
UPDATE: Justin... you know you likey the Nathan hugs. :> <3....

Lie or Not...
I have to end this now.
I'm closing this fairytale book of which I've been reading and following for so very long...

Lie or Not...
Dear... Joseph Pierce. I know I called you last Tuesday, the day of Valentine's Day to end up telling you I love you. Then soon after I promised you that eternity we once promised before... But. I'm sorry... For I did not mean them. Is this destiny? Fate? Or another mistake? Everyone makes mistakes...

I cry now. As I prepare to leave you. Tell you I didn't mean what I said Tuesday. If it's a mistake... Then it is. I cannot help what I'm about to do. You want what we once had before... But it simply cannot be. For we've lost it forever. Never can we gain back what we had. No matter how hard we try. It can never be recovered. I've moved on. So will you... I promise that.

Tuesday... I said those things to feel everything we once had. To hear your comforting voice. Your soft words. To feel that love again. I guess... I used you that day... And I feel almost aweful.

My hearts split up. A small pasrt of it believes your words on everything. And the largest part believes you're lieing...

It hurts so bad... Though... I hardly believe you...And don't Trust your words. I still feel horrid. I'm sorry if you are telling the truth and alwyas have. THis is a horribly thing to do to one truthfull person.

So if you are telling the truth... I'm so very deeply sorry. But if you are not. I feel nothing but gladness.

So damn hard to tell on the computer...

I've enjoyed the time I'v had... With you.





Why do I internet date?
----------

From the first time I had a... Seto_Kaiba hugs yosho.
I had always felt lonely in the real world. I stayed away from others. Never tried to make friends, I suppose. Or maybe no one wanted to be my friend. Untill... I started my fantasy world at RPGC. I started to internet date. Because I disliked the real world. So I guess you can say I ran away.
But surely it grew differently. I prefer to internet date because I cannot stand IRL relationships. Pitiful High-School relationships based off sex and show offs. I dispise it all... I never want to IRl date. But I do want to feel hugs... and kisses. I always plan to meet my internet boyfriends... Untill they leave me. I'm hoping I'll finally meet the one I can actually meet... which I believe it's you Jack. This summer... we may meet.


---------------

Conan.
Lie or not.
I'll always love you.
Lie.
I will not regret doing this to you...
Not a lie.
I'll never forgive myself.
But..I'll never know for sure...
Lie or not.
Please don't hate me.
I do and don't want to do this.
Yet... I have to.
I'm sorry...

joenagao777: im sorry about that....
joenagao777: my father...
Yosho Esrevinu: Where'd you go?
Yosho Esrevinu: Oh...
joenagao777: he took the phone and...Im sure you know....
joenagao777: *holds you tightly*...what about Jack...?
joenagao777: ...
joenagao777: nevermind...maybe I should just tell you how things went....
joenagao777: you...don't even respond...
joenagao777: its like you don't care...
Yosho Esrevinu: Sorry. My Uncle wanted me.
Yosho Esrevinu: So how did things go?
joenagao777: I should probably start by saying this wasn't always with me...
Yosho Esrevinu: Yeah?
joenagao777: i was being to think...
joenagao777: this was something since birth...
joenagao777: but after talking to her for two days, about Ray, and how my grades were exceeding that of a normal kid when I was very young...
joenagao777: she purposed some theories about what had happened
joenagao777: With her help, I tapped into memories my mind had repressed because of the pain I felt after Ray's death...
joenagao777: I was told by her not to blame myself, which unconsciously did.
joenagao777: I isolated myself from everyone
joenagao777: For longer than I thought, for longer than I told you originally, amd I began to become completely anti social with my family.
joenagao777: It caused something to just snap in my mind...
joenagao777: I have here in front of me her exact words...
joenagao777: i will type her theory to you.
joenagao777: Intelligence without the ability to give and recieve affection leads to mental and moral breakdown, to neurosis, and possibly even psychosis.
Yosho Esrevinu: That's confusing...
joenagao777: it means that when I didn't have Ray anymore....
joenagao777: I lost controll of part of my mind, which sometimes causes me to unconsciously hurt people, and without any affection I lose myself, and then think I am in an imaginary world...
joenagao777: hence the thought that I was with Troy and December, in the place we are going to live.
Yosho Esrevinu: I see...
joenagao777: I can't help it...
joenagao777: I just have to get to the root of the probelm.
joenagao777: all I need is to talk to you about the things in my past...
Yosho Esrevinu: Yeah...
joenagao777: solve what is keeping this problem around...
joenagao777: it doesn't require anything except you, me, and Dr.Hayes.
joenagao777: But if we can't find a solution, I must seek medical attention
joenagao777: you...will help...?
joenagao777: give me affection...and just talk to me..? About that time?
Yosho Esrevinu: -Caresses your face gently.-
Yosho Esrevinu: Knives are sharp...
Yosho Esrevinu: We find out the hard way...
Yosho Esrevinu: -Wraps her arms around you tightly.-
Yosho Esrevinu: We touch them and then bleed.
Yosho Esrevinu: Finding that knives ARE indeed sharp...
Yosho Esrevinu: -Nuzzles her face against your chest.-
joenagao777: *holds back, feeling your warmth*
joenagao777: knives have nothing to do with it...
joenagao777: ^^
Yosho Esrevinu: Or maybe they do...
Yosho Esrevinu: -Kisses your lips passionately.-
joenagao777: *kisses back, feeling the passion he had missed for what seemed like eternity*
joenagao777: oh Caitlin, you don't know how happy I am right now.
joenagao777: I feel so glad I went to see her..
Yosho Esrevinu: Yeah...
joenagao777: Caitlin...
joenagao777: you will help me right?
Yosho Esrevinu: I'll... do my best...
joenagao777: I know you can help, I love you and trust you more than anything!
Yosho Esrevinu: -Caresses you face again.- Trust is... a strong word...
joenagao777: Caitlin...
joenagao777: don't say that....
joenagao777: don't scare me...please...I went through a lot to have this again.
joenagao777: You don't understand that my trust in you never wavered....
joenagao777: don't lecture me!
joenagao777: I know trust...
joenagao777: We both felt it together...
Yosho Esrevinu: -Kisses you to cease your words.-
joenagao777: *closes his eyes and kisses back*
joenagao777: I love you so much....
Yosho Esrevinu: -Runs her fingers through your hair.-
Yosho Esrevinu: What is your most deepest desire?
joenagao777: to fulfill every dream we have made together...
joenagao777: to get married, to live in a peacefull place, to have Troy and December...
joenagao777: what is yours...?
Yosho Esrevinu: I have yet to know...
joenagao777: ....what..?
Yosho Esrevinu: I have to be shown.
joenagao777: *gives you an gentle puzzled look*
joenagao777: I don't understand...
Yosho Esrevinu: I don't either...
Yosho Esrevinu: I'm sorry.
joenagao777: what....
joenagao777: do you mean...you don't trust me?
Yosho Esrevinu: I didn't say that..
joenagao777: what...is it..?
Yosho Esrevinu: It's nothing.
joenagao777: no, you must be torn between me and Jack...
Yosho Esrevinu: No, it's not like that.
joenagao777: how close did you guys get...?
Yosho Esrevinu: I never thought I'd feel love again after you like I did before. Never thought I'd find someone to make me feel alive just as you did. I had my share of boyfriends after the incident between you and I. Jack's the first after you, to make me feel alive. He made me feel love just like you did. He may not be perfect... But that's what makes him real. And I never thought I'd feel such true love like this again.
Yosho Esrevinu: So I'd say pretty close..
joenagao777: that...makes me feel horrible...
Yosho Esrevinu: I'm sorry...
Yosho Esrevinu: But you asked...
joenagao777: you love...me enough...to...?
Yosho Esrevinu: To what?
joenagao777: be with me...again..?
joenagao777: not jack....
Yosho Esrevinu: Must we go back to this?...
Yosho Esrevinu: -Holds you in her arms.-
joenagao777: *pulls away...*
joenagao777: I'm so scared right now...
joenagao777: my head feels like it could explode...I went through so much to get that out of my head...and you don't know if you want me anymore....
joenagao777: I will admit...its still there...but weaker than ever...
Yosho Esrevinu: -Kisses you.-
Yosho Esrevinu: Fear is an illusion...
joenagao777: no...
Yosho Esrevinu: We have nothing to fear.
joenagao777: I need to know now....
joenagao777: you are doing this so i will get better...
joenagao777: and then expect me to find someone else...
Yosho Esrevinu: I'm nmot...
Yosho Esrevinu: not*
joenagao777: I've felt so uneasy...
joenagao777: I feel so worried...afraid of being alone...
joenagao777: without you....
joenagao777: the only thing...that is important...
Yosho Esrevinu: -Places her finger on your lip.-
joenagao777: Caitlin I need you so badly to be with me....
joenagao777: please promise me you will keep me...
joenagao777: Caitlin!
Yosho Esrevinu: Conan...
Yosho Esrevinu: Remember when we first met?
Yosho Esrevinu: I thought you were Miroku... At Anime-chat.
Yosho Esrevinu: Then... I asked you to come to RPGC with me.
joenagao777: Why.....are you doing...this?
Yosho Esrevinu: And I said you reminded me of my last boyfriend...
joenagao777: Can't you answer me!
Yosho Esrevinu: But really. You didn't...
Yosho Esrevinu: You didn't remind me of him.
Yosho Esrevinu: I was just lonely...
Yosho Esrevinu: And needed someone...
joenagao777: I needed someone too Cait...
Yosho Esrevinu: I said I loved you that day.
Yosho Esrevinu: But I didn't... I knew nothing about you...
Yosho Esrevinu: My love grew when we grew...
joenagao777: Caitlin...I always did love you...
joenagao777: I didn't realize why at first....
joenagao777: I never had opened myself up to anyone after Ray died....
joenagao777: I trusted you and loved you the first day...something said to me that you were trustworthy...and that it was meant to be...
joenagao777: And like you, my love grew everyday...
joenagao777: And thats when he started to intervene...
joenagao777: He hated me liking someone else more than him, but he never realized I hated him since the beginning....
joenagao777: thats why he was so cruel...
joenagao777: but I can't understand a lot of things about him yet....
joenagao777: I need to find more with you...
joenagao777: I need your loving voice...
joenagao777: your care...your love for me...our promises....
joenagao777: its the only thing that keeps me going...
Yosho Esrevinu: ...
joenagao777: ...but everything seems so different...
joenagao777: I want to cry...but I should feel happy...
joenagao777: I just think you will leave me..

I am leaving you...

joenagao777: and you won't reassure me...
joenagao777: you get off the subject
joenagao777: and dodge my questions completey, and don't even respond sometimes!
Yosho Esrevinu: I'm sorry...
joenagao777: I just want you to hold me and assure me...
joenagao777: that it won't happen...
joenagao777: I just feel so bad, because he is trying desperatly not to loose control of me...and I don't feel like you care....


I do care... But I can't reassure you...

joenagao777: Its....getting to me now....
joenagao777: Caitlin!
Yosho Esrevinu: Conan...
Yosho Esrevinu: Hold on, ok?
Yosho Esrevinu: Just a moment...
joenagao777: I...need you though...
joenagao777: I can get better Caitlin! Please....I hate crying right now....just please don't leave me!


Making it so much harder...

joenagao777: please....
joenagao777: please Caitlin!
joenagao777: I don't feel right...
Yosho Esrevinu: Conan...
Yosho Esrevinu: Just a moment..
joenagao777: just please!
Yosho Esrevinu: I don't either...
Yosho Esrevinu: -Holds you tight.-
Yosho Esrevinu: Just hold me, ok?
joenagao777: Caitlin...i just can't go back there again...please....don't leave me now...
joenagao777: *squeezes you desperatly*
joenagao777: you love...me...
joenagao777: you won't leave me! Right?!
joenagao777: He can't be right...he doesn't know you love me....
Yosho Esrevinu: Baby...
joenagao777: you are making me so scared....
joenagao777: I don't want to be hurt Caitlin....
joenagao777: please....

So very sorry....

Yosho Esrevinu: Just a moment...
joenagao777: *holds you tightly*
joenagao777: okay....honey...
Yosho Esrevinu: Conan...
joenagao777: yeah...baby..?
Yosho Esrevinu: I'm a horrible person...
joenagao777: w-why..?
joenagao777: *shivers...*
joenagao777: Don't tell me....
joenagao777: no!
Yosho Esrevinu: -Hugs you.-
joenagao777: Caitlin...please...
Yosho Esrevinu: -Whispears into your ear.-
joenagao777: *holds you, in tears*
Yosho Esrevinu: Promises were meant to be broken...
joenagao777: Caitlin...
joenagao777: I can't...
joenagao777: you..
Yosho Esrevinu: http://yosho-x.livejournal.com/
Yosho Esrevinu: I can't...
joenagao777: why..?
joenagao777: I
Yosho Esrevinu: I'm sorry.
joenagao777 has signed off

I'm sorry....

Hello all.
Quite the eventful week I've had...
Grabbing Nathan's ass on accident...
Watch a kid break a glass door with his bare hands on accident and bleed on the floor...
Watch Nathan be gay...
Cord KEEPS FUCKING LOOKING AT ME.
Steelers won...
Conan comes back.

............
Yes. Quite the eventful week.

Sunday was awesome. One of the coolest days of my life. Spent a great time with Jack. (Gosh, I miss him.)Made things right. Went home and watched the Super bowl with my family! Dude. It was great. Never thought I'd get into football like I did. I had to lay on the floor in front of the TV though I wanted on the damn couch... but mom and dad are too fat to let me in! But. Whatever. I was cozy. Under a blanket in front of a heater and TV.

I'm in love with Football now. I was on the edge of my floor the whole time. But Steelers came out on top! YA BITCHES. I'll miss you Bettis..... ; . ; You big oaf! WHY DID YA HAVE TO GO AND QUIT?! -Sigh.- Thy Bus shall be missed. But deyum. I still dun think Big Ben made it over that line... =/ Coolest part is when Willie went a runnin to a touchdown! Yesssssh.

Cowher Power!


And yes... I grabbed Nathan's ass ON ACCIDENT. We were all in the Auditorium and I was sitting with Timmy while Nathan and Justin sat behind us. POKING THE HELL OUT OF US. Anywho... when we got up to leave. I had positioned my hands behind Nathan's ass and PRETENDED, AS IF, I WAS GOING TO GO FOR A GRAB. I was like "Hehehe.. Hey... Hey Tim. Look. Dare me?" And I was just kidding, I wasn't going to grab him. =/ But fucking Justin happens to push Nathan back... AND I GET A HAND FULL OF NATHAN ASS. Nathan just turned around and gave me a weird look as if to say "...... o,O" >,< But truthfully. It was indeed an accident. An accident I thanked Justin for! KA-CHA! -Does the I grabbed Nate's sexy ass dance. Fwee!-


Okay. Because of Nathan. I dislike Cord now. Actually this happened awhile ago, just haven't mentioned it. I was in the Art room, last period. And Nathan always stops by to talk to me. And yeah. Cord's locker just happens to be right outside the Art room. I look out the door and Cord's there. I gasp a slip back inside. Nathan's like "Hehehe... Cord. Hey Cord! C'mere." I literally run back in the room and hide under a table. And when I think the coast is clear... I sit back up into my chair. All of a sudden. A head peeks through the door. And it's the ever so gorgeous... hottie... Cord. And two words come clear out of his mouth. "Hi Caitlin!" .......... I'm all like.... "o.o" For a good ten minutes. Weird thing was... I lost my crush on Cord as SOON as he said hi to me... I suppose I'm just not ready for an IRL relationship... Anyway. I punched Nathan in the chest the next day. And Nate only told Cord to say hi to me. Cord didn't know who I was and better yet, he didn't know i had a crush on him. I DID NOT WANT HIM TO KNOW WHO I WAS NOR LET HIM KNOW I HAD A CRUSH ON HIM. So he thinks he just said hi to a random girl. Well, I used to talk to Cord's best friend on the bus all the time, mostly about Cord. And well I told him what happened. Welp. Chris, Cord's best friend, happened to tell him "You know the girl you said hi to right? Well... She has a mad crush on you. o.O" And Now. Cord never stops looking at me.... Chris, jokingly, I think, says Cord is in love with me. ;( while I think Cord is gross, which he clearly isn't. He's the most heavenly gorgeous guy I have ever seen. He looks like he poped out of a fuckin'.... Men's clothes Magazine. >,< But yeah... Cord can go suck a light bulb for all I care... STOP LOOKING AT ME.


And yes. I watched a kid total the Gym's door to the boy's locker room. I was sitting in the bleachers and I was watching the guys run, like always, tot heir locker room. This one kid goes running to the door, slams his bare hands against the safety glass to open the door and the glass shatters. I'm just like... "0,0!!!!!!!!!!!!@!#!$#!#!~$" He's in shock with a smile. His hands were fucking bloody as hell. It was so... Wowing? Gawd. What a fuck tard he is. Sad thing is I know him. ;( Anyway... He's ok. Thank gosh.


Andddddd yes... Conan is back.
=/////////////////
Which I believe he's trying to prank me or something. But God only knows.
Alanna called me last night to tell me she was talking to Conan. I was in shock... I could'nt believe it.... A feeling swept over me. A feeling I never felt before. And I could not sleep last night. I felt like I had to throw up the whole day today. My nerves twisted... But it's true. It's really him. He came back to say:

hey there, I'm glad you are happy yosho...

I just couldn't bare going on to be thought of as total scum in your eyes.
I did wrong to you, and I really don't think I can fix that.
I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry, and I wasn't myself then.
Recently I picked up the pieces of myself, the person that you knew,
the real me. And I realized that you were gone, and how long you have
been gone. Then it occured to me then that I can't possibly get you back.

I don't remember what happened, but I'm sure it was I that caused the problems...and I'm sorry for that, and the promises I broke. I know they can't be renewed, and I know that now the only thing you feel
towards me is anger and hate.

But please understand it was not I who was hateful to you.
I love you, but there was once something inside me that hated you, something that was not me.

I don't expect a call, or for you to respond to this message, but I want you to know I love you, and you will always be my one and only, even if you are happy with someone else...

Good bye my love....Troy...Snow..


Then say:
Please understand darling, I was not able to keep a level head during those two months away from you.

I wasn't stable..and you know what happens then. I just now have been able to be myself. I realized the time that had passed since I last remembered seeing you...and I thought then that I knew what happened. And now recently darling, I have been talking to Raelis, and my thoughts were proven true..

That evil person hurt you, and its hard to even write this to you now, because I am ashamed with whats wrong with me.
I would express my feelings to you by voice, if only everything I once had of you wasn't gone.

I won't have a future without you, I know you must have said this too, but you must realize: That evil person isn't me, I never would have said I didn't love you, if what Raelis recalled about the time is true.

But now you just seem to hate me, and not the problem I have.

I know by now, there isn't much a chance you'd forgive me, and I know your mother will not either, nor the rest of your family. But please listen to me, I would never just suddenly decide to hate you. I never have felt badly toward you.

Don't leave me in the dark, like that evil did you, I never would have left you, he is not the person you loved. Please don't turn your back on me. Unless you now have no feelings for the one you once spent every hour with, and Caitlin, I loved every minute we spent together.

I never would have given up on the dreams we made together, and I still will not let them fade.

Please respond to me, Caitlin....I Love you.
--------------------------------------------------

I'm not sure what he's up to... =/ But I bet no good! Will I take him back? Everyone I've told thinks so... Everyone thinks I will. Weird thing is... When Alanna told me he wanted my number and everything... I felt so much hatred. I just wanted to blow up in his ear and tell him off. Let him feel the hate that grew inside of me because what he done. I had even planned how i'd tell him off. But when I read those message I found in my inbox. I calmed down. And now I'm confused. I don't know what to do. I'm with Jack now. I'm in love with him. And I NEVEr want or plan to leave him. But what do I do with the lie that has come back to haunt me for whatever reason? I'm scared. I don't know what Im going to do. But I fear it'll be the WRONG choice. And I do not want that... I never thought he'd come back. Well, perhaps I did. Not too long ago, i was thinking baout him... I had feelings that he would come back... And guess what? He has. I'm so afraid. So very afraid. I don't want to make the wrong choice. and everyone is telling me I should tell him off... I just don't know. I'm so gullible... Who knows...

Another weird thing is. The post before this one. It's as if... I don't know. fate? As soon as i close the Conan chapter. HE COMES BACK. Like... WTF! Why... Why did this happen? Just as soon as I was completely ready to move on... It's as if he's been reading my LJ this whole time and thought this would be a grand time to come back and fuck my life up even more. Or maybe his new girlfriend left him... And now he's crawling back to me. Or or... He's using another exscuse for his mistake... I don't know the truth anymore...
God, what do I do?....

Yeah. It's been quite awhile again. Sooooo much has happened. So much.
But the thing I wanted to get off my chest the most is Conan.

For New Years Eve I asked my mom to pick me up from my Uncle's. I had something to do at home....I had been planning this for quite some time. To start a year off new and refreshed.---- Under my bed I had kept a box in which I stored everything about him or what he gave me. Guess you can call it my Conan box.
All his letters, all the phone cards I used, pictures he gave me, a letter I never sent him and I even went through all my notebooks, that I had wrote his name on every page, ripping out only every little piece of paper that had his name on it and put it into the box.

----

My first real love was a lie. My first lover was a fucking immature bastard.

Conan lived in Dalton, Georgia. We met in an Anime chat-room. He had the name Miroku-Monk and I mistaken him for my friend Miroku. But I ended up inviting him to RPGC. Which, perhaps, was a mistake. He enrolled in Karate. Was very intelligent. Loved almost everything I did. Same anime, same video games, same movies....
Conan's real name was Joseph. Yet... When I first met him
he said his name was Conan but ended up telling me it wasn't his real name during the relationship. He had said "Joseph" is his old, bad self, in which he would like to forget. In which he wanted me to call him "Conan." His new, better self. Gullible me, said ok. "I'll call ya Conan." Him and I shared the same age, which is one of the things I was really fond of. His birthday March 29th. Mine June 14th. I thought that was one of the greatest things out of our relationship... He had two brother and a sister. His older brother was Ron, twenty-something. His kid brother, Danny was four. And his hated sister, Laura, eleven. Complete with a kick-ass mom and dad. I absolutely loved his family... I even talked to his family, except for Ron. But Conan came with lies. He said his family treated him horribly, abused him, and just hated him. Gullible me; I believed him and gave him all my sympathy. His parents were great parents. The kind of parents that set you with a bed time, made you eat healthy things, get outside, do work. The kind I wish I had... The kind that cares about your well being. That MADE you make the right choice than let you wander off and make all the wrong choices. Made sure you were healthy and highly-educated. He had great loving parents that didn't feel nothing but never ending love for him. And he tells lies and say they hated him and abused him.
Danny was the cutest. Him and Conan would always be doing something together, like playing around. And his sister Laura always laughing with him asking for his help. Yet he said they hated him... Ron, the only one he never said bad about or lied about. He looked up to his older brother which lives in New Jersey. Said his brother was kick-ass and the coolest guy. That taught him everything. Told him he'd marry someone great. Which Conan convinced me that it was I. Lies. He has a beautiful family. That cared for him.A family that I was bale to talk to, that accepted me on some bases. Just another thing that I loved in our relationship.

Conan had also said he was a real detective. =/....
-Crickets chirp.-
Gullible ME, FUCKING BELIEVED HIM OMFG!!!!!!!!!NESFNWPGPWOGJP -Dies.-
He said he actually helped solved crimes. - -;
The FUCK you did~! You could'nt even solve who stole the last cookie from the fuckin' cookie jar! You fucking Case Closed, Jimmy Kudo retarded WANNABE. Gawd! I'm so ashamed that I believed him... But love tripped me with it's ever so long leg. But yet... he reminded me of "Jimmy Kudo" Another thing that I reallyyyyy enjoyed in our 'r-e-l-a-t-i-o-n-s-h-i-p'. But. That was such a lie too. Yep, total lie.

Oh oh. Get ready for another outrageous lie that I actually believed!
He said... OMG, OMG... He said... That he NEVER MASTURBATED IN HIS LIFE.
>>
<<
Said he never thought perverted thoughts.
Said he didn't even know what a VAGINA WAS.
The FUCK YOU DIDN'T! Cum guzzling bastard...
>,< You lonely fuck, of course you masturbated.
Gawd! And he'd always get so emo whenever me and him messed around.... "OMG, Caitlin! I'm SUCH a pervert! I should die! You deserve better!" And I'm just thinkin'... " - -; " But anywho... That was ANOTHER thing I liked. He wasn't sex driven and wasn't a total pervert. Not even a little bit... Which... It's ok to be perverted at times but not constant. oO

Aaaaaand another lie. Conan said he had a mental illness. =\ As in like... There was another side to him. A side that was horrible and he forgot who he was when he was the other side... of him. GAH! Fucking lier... You were perfectly FINE. He'd even ACT like there was something wrong with him. He would mis-treat me purposely to show there WAS another side of him. Whenever him and I fought, which was often. He'd pretend that he was becoming his other self... SO I'd shut up. And he'd magically turn back to normal...
Fucking gullible me...

And the biggest lie of them all. The-promise of the century, He promised to be with me forever and everrrrrrr. Promised to take me to the beach...
We'd always be talking about our future. Talked about the many things we'd do... I had told him that I never get to go anywhere, never seen the ocean and was dieing to get out. So he said he'd take me anywhere I wanted... PROMISED to show me the beach. We also talked about the kids we would have... Two kids definitely. Three was a maybe. But a boy and a girl was a definite. I knew what I wanted the boy's name to be. And it was Troy. Conan also liked that name. But we had to think about the girl's name. Untill he just randomly said... "Ya know, when I was a kid I also thought about have twelve kids and naming them after each month. o.O" And I said. "Woah.... Ouch. No. That'd be wayyy too much." He laughed and said "Yeah... But it'd be neat to say: December get your lil' butt over here." ----"Aw... That sounds so cute..."---- "You think so, Cait?" ---"Yeah..." ---"Heh... How about December? As in a girl's name?" ---- "Yes! I love it."----- "Oh, yeah? Well I love you, Caitlin."
<<; -Giggle...-
We agreed on just about everything... Except on where we should live. I wanted to live in a city. He wanted to live in a quiet country side. But I really wanted to live in the city... But he thought it would be a bad place for the kids to grow up. SO eventually I gave in... At first we said we'd go to collage toether. Me for an Animator and him for a detective. Untill slowly but surely he changed his mind. He didn't want to become a detective. He didn't care anymore... He just wanted to be with me. And he tried so hard to change my mind. He wanted me to be a stay at home mom. So I'd never be away from him. Well, I totally disagreed with that one. Conan would always get so upset...
-Sigh.-
We talked about getting married...
And the whole thing. Our whole life. Grow old together... Yeah... House in the middle of no where, nothing but green fields and blue skies...

Dispite all lies. Fighting.. There were always those good times that I still cherish.
Heh. Like this one time Conan had a friend over. And his friend wanted to hear what I sound like so all i did was say hello for him. All of a sudden Conan freaked out and you could hear a choking sound and Conan saying over and over "Tell her sorry!". o.O; Here his friend said I sounded weird. >> And he took action! Eventually his friend said sorry. But it was funny...
Other times when me and him watched Spider-Man over the phone untill his phone died.
And when we talked for the longest time when we weren't supposed to. It was at night. And we both were in bed. Didn't want to get off the phone with each other but he fell asleep. I could hear him breathe. And I thought it was the most beautiful thing in the world. So I sat there and pretended to be right next to him. I almost could feel him. BUt how close can you feel on from PA to GA? v.v
And when one night I told him look out the window. He's like "Why?" ---"Please... go look out the window." --- "Heh, why? You going to come through it?"--- "Teehee.. Nooo. C'mon. Look."--- "Okay, okay... What now?" ---- "Do you see the moon?" ---- "Yeah. I do." --- "Okay... Good. I can see it too..."
--"......." He was silent. Untill I'm like. "Okay, sorry. I'm so stupid... Sorry that was really corny..." ---"No.. No... I'm sorry I got quiet but. Gosh, Cait. I never thought about that. We're miles and miles apart, looking at the same exact thing. I'm just shocked. I was going to cry. That's so romantic."
>>; Yeah... I really enjoyed that day. Most coolest thing I ever though of! Slammer! Gosh.

And yeah... We drove each other insane other times. We'd both start crying. And yeah.... We we're a wreck. Yet. He managed to say, 'our love' will hold up anything... Apperently it didn't... Sometimes I'd doubt he loved me. And that was the main reason we fought. And maybe he DID love me... but I drove him away. All I ever did was cry and complain. Because I didn't believe him. But maybe if I had, we'd still be together... I don't know.
I've had my share of phases with him. Times where I don't feel like I had loved him. Which was so strange...

-Sigh.- He was amazing... Despite lies. He even wrote me a song on the guitar. And it was SO beautiful...
Maybe it was me that messed up. There were times I went too far and I said it was over but didn't mean it at all. I wanted to see his reaction. I wanted to hear him cry... To know he wasn't lieing. Yet, he did react the way I wanted him to. He still came off lieing. And there were other times we threatend to klll ourselves over the phone. Him once with a knife, me once with a hand-full of pills. He let me hear him cut imself. I let him know I had a hand full of pills. Yes, we were one fucked up couple. But we also were only fourteen...

I can never forget.
Even though I'd do anything too.
I can't.
I just can't figure out why... Was it my fault? I was never even given an answer... He never told me why. Never told me why he left me. Maybe it's pretty obvious....

I was so obsessed with him... I'd always block everyone on my list other than him because it would always break my heart to pieces to hear someone log in and it not be him... Or when the phone rang. My heart would literally start to beat fast. Thinking the phone was for me...

I bet he's happy now. More than he ever was with me. I was the one that brought him down.

Yet. right now.I can't help but miss him. I loved his soft voice... The things he said to me. Made me feel beautiful and special and loved. Unlike anyother. He made me forget about my family. He soon became the only one I loved and cared about... I wrote so much poetry about him. Dreamed about him. Wrote about him at school. LIke when we had to write about "Who Has had The Most Impact On Your life?" I wrote about him. Teaching making a note on it. "Good. This friend seems like a real special person to you."

He was more than special... He was my new life.

I have to move on. God knows he has.
Yet I can't help and wonder. "Does he EVER think about me?"

So many times I fought with my mother over him.
So many unforgetting times... It brought something out in her I have never seen.

But I have to forget.


----------
So on New Years Eve at 11:48. I took my 'Conan' box and went outside to the burnbarrel. I started a fire. Opened the box taking piece by piece, letter by letter at a time. And threw it in. Watched the picture of his little brother burn. I whispered "Dan..." I could'nt even look at the pictures of him. I just stood there in the cold. Burning all I had left of him. Untill there was nothing more than the coin dollar he gave me. Then I remembered telling him when he gave it to me "I promise I'll NEVER spend it..." I smirked and thought to myself. "It's spendin' time for you!" Before I got back onto the porch to go in my mom walked out. "It's almost time for the count down" I threw the coin to her. "Her. Use it for something, spend it." She looked at me. "I knew what you were planning... I'm proud of you."

And those words will stick with me for a long time. Because I'm proud of me too.

But. Just to get a few things off my chest of Conan to end this Conan chapter..
Jack-
Conan-
Ex-bf with new-bf simularities! This is so weird. My current bf which I'm madly in love with and thought I'd never feel this again is SO much like Conan. Mr. Jack. I met him on Socom, imagine that.
Anywho... Here we goooooo! -Spins the wheel!-
Conan - Claims his family hates him.
Jack - Claims his family doesn't care about him!
Conan - Has an older brother, Ron, in which he really looked up to.
Jack - Has an older brother, Mike, in which he takes after and wanted to be just like and looks up to.
Conan - Was once a cold- ass before he met me!
Jack - Was also quite the hard-ass. Acted like such an ass before he met me. I soften them boith up!
Conan - Same age I am.
Jack - Imagine that, he be 15 too!
Conan - Birthday in March!
Jack's B-day = March too!
Conan was my very first love.
I'm Jack's first love.
Conan's real name is Joseph.
Jack's real bological name is Patrik.
Conan took karate!
Jack plays Football... SIMULARITY?! I have NO clue!
I had a non-love phase with Conan.
And I aslo had one with Jack. Only two boyfriends that I had that with. oO
Conan = Was such a sweetheart full of romance.
Jack = Such a romantic sweety.
Both can't start conversations well.
Both have parents that tell them to get off the computer!

Unlike mine.. o.O I stay on as long as I want.

I'm sure there are other simularities... That I can't think of... But yes! AIN'T THIS WEIRD?! To me... - yes.

But yeah...

I love Jack... So so so so so much. ;~; Sososososososososososososososososoooooooooooosososososoooooooooooososososoo MUCH. oO More than cheese! American cheese to be exact!

Anywho.
I'll never fully forget Conan....
But I'll never cry over him again. He's not worth it...
And I don't regret meeting him. Not one bit. It is he that has made me wise and eyes opened to see the world for what it is'. I could'nt possibly regret it. Sometimes. He is missed. But not anymore. How can you miss a lie?
You can't for it is not real or true...
So. I have three... meaningfull, last words to say to you Conan... I've said it before and I want to say it one last time....
FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mwhahahahahaah!!!!!!! Penis.

Anywhoi...
Continuing with my LJ routine:
UPDATES: I'm on the honor roll! First time since Kindergarden! Imagine that!
Updates: I never told you guys but My cousin Josh came back from Basic training. oO Like... I so should've mentioned it earlier. He's been home for quite awhile now. For like... Because... He has some health problems and they kicked him out. o.O Like... he came home same month he went. <<;
Anywho...
UPDATES: I miss Moon!
Updates: A black boy touched me! He started rubbing me shoulders!
Updates: ......
Updates: A fat man broke Nathan's ankle... ; . ;
Updates: I made snot fly out Timmy's nose... Gross!
Updates: GO STEELERS.
Updates: Everytime I wear my Steela jersey... THEY WIN! I BE TEH GOODNESS!
Udates: My site... up and running bumbily...
Updates: Please. Do join: http://s13.invisionfree.com/Legendary_Prophecies/index.php?s=535f8294a5a68eb52114a5c1733e8410&
Updates: Jack is VERYOHSOSEXYMMMMMMMMMMM.
<<;
Updates: Troken is so kicking my ass in Arena.... =/
Updates: Nall is a fuck tard.
Updates: Danny. I'm mentioning his name for he bitches every time he's not mentioned. =\
Updates: Kiro is homo.
Updates: Gher is a bastard, I told ya so.
Updates: I miss Anime... This'll be my fourth month of no Anime... ;~;
Updates: Ryan's penis.
Updates: Penis.
Updates: My PENIS. Is... 18 inches..... WIDE.
Updates: o.O;...........
Updates: Mutter vaker. <.<....

GOD! SOCOM HAS PISSED ME OFF!!!!!!! I SHOT THAT GUY IN THE FACE! HE DIDN'T FUCKING DIE!!!!! MOTHER FUCKING LAGGING GLITCHING BITCHES!!!!

..................

Oh. Hi... guy. Oh. I see you brought the pie for AUntie Jane. Good... Good...


Heh... I'm so insane. :D But anywho.
I miss everyone. Even my mother. Which, I called her to pick me up early today. Which is amazing. I never want to go home early. I try to stay away as long as I can. I don't know what it is. I even miss my Step dad which went to work in Delaware so he'd have money to give me a good Christmas... I love my family. ;~;.........

And I... LOVE MOON!!!!!!!! MOOOOOOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY BABY MOON. ;~;
And Angelus! I LOVE YOU TOOOO!!!!!!! WHUUU!!!!!!!1
AND I LOVE YOU AURIN. ;~; God! Where are you? I haven't seen you in too long.. COME BACK HOTTIE!!

And yeah... I love Christmas, just not for the gifts. My fmaily get's together. It's going to be awesome! Yeah... I love you people. ;~;'
I'm in a loving mood!


and yeah... I'M TIRED OF SLUTS HITTING ON MY BOYFRIEND.
HE'S MINE, WHORE!!!!!!!!!! ALL MINE. -Get's out the Iw.-

PERISH SLUTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11
PERISH!!!!!!!!!!!!
M,WHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!~@~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!~#~#



........


Yep.

Updates... Updates...

Yeah. It's been a long while. Haven't been chatting much or getting on the web. -Shrug.- My reason? Who knows... I guess you could say I found a new addiction. Socom II. :( -Sigh.- Always with some kind of addiction. Next it'll be drugs or sex. v.v Ah well. I need something to look forward to in my dull life.

Well... Alot has happened. ....... I kinda forget what's happened. But yeah...

I don't know what's wrong with me.
Started thinking about Conan alot again.
Cried uncontrollably.
Felt so alone.
Became suicidal at times once more. But...

I won't do it.
Never will I.
I promise.

Other than me being insane.
I suppose things have been going well. Chyeah right.... I hate my life with a blood lusting, sun drying, passion.

Sometimes I think I'm coming close to doing it.

Killing myself.
But then.
There are times I'm so happy.

Times where I'm not lonely.


- - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - --- - --- - -- - -- - -- ---- -- -- - ---

Well. Got a new boyfriend. (Like, oMG. WHAT A SURPRISE.)
Yeah... His name is Jack. Hella lot like Conan in ways. It's been going for two months or three... I'm totally not sure. At first all we did was fight. But now. We're at a real comfortable spot. Real comfortable. Lovey dovey... Yeah.... STFU.

I'm a loser. What to fight about it? Bring it....

Oh woah... I see LJ has taken on a new...niss....
....Yeah. I really don't um...
I'm not inspired to write in la Lj today. -Yawn/sigh.- I think I'm going back to Socom. Yeah....





..................................... I love you. All.
Save yourselves. Don't lose yourself in life like I have.





Still trying to find myself.

-Sigh.- Guess what! I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT YOU, CONAN! YOU FUCKING SCUM-DIRTBAG, FUCKER. I still love you, damnit. Go die, I hate you!

xDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD


...........

Anywho. I dunno. Something made me think of him today. And I hadn't been thinking about him for awhile. But today, he came back, damnit. Then, it made me start fucking with his RPGC profile. That cured the boredom, though, not the thoughts of him. Then, I read the part of my LJ of when he left me. And yeah... I feel better now...

A bit hyper....

Had a talk with Nick, seemed like I knew what I was talking about...

starflairex: Still not over him huh?
Yosho Esrevinu: Today it just all caught up.
starflairex: Sorry Caitlin.
Yosho Esrevinu: I hadn't even been thinking about him and bam, he's triggered.
starflairex: You shouldn't let that happen
starflairex: Stuff's gonna plague you for a long time
Yosho Esrevinu: Of course it is. He was my first love. First loves have a neck for sticking with you the rest of your life.
starflairex: Sorry to hear that..
Yosho Esrevinu: Don't be. It happens to the best of us.
starflairex: Yeah.
starflairex: Listen Here Caitlin, I'll tell you something honestly
starflairex: There's someone out there for everyone, believe that! ^_^ I promise.
Yosho Esrevinu: True. Thing is, sometimes we never find them.
Yosho Esrevinu: I promise.
starflairex: Maybe you're right, but you're like..uhh..14..15..?16? You have a long time to go. ~_^
starflairex: =\
Yosho Esrevinu: Also true. But doesn't hide that fact. Yes, I have a long way to go. But perhaps along that long way, I am never to be discovered, have an early death, meet a horrible guy that treats me lower than shit, dirt. Or, I am discovered, by the greatest guy, that treats me with everything I deserve. That's always with me to keep me happy, safe and not lonely. And we lead a happy life together.
Yosho Esrevinu: There's awlays two paths, and they're both open. Who knows which one I'll get to walk on.
starflairex: yeah...


Then, had a talk with Moon....

Yosho Esrevinu: No one can out wise me!
Yosho Esrevinu: He stands silent, I am victorious.
Moon: >>;
Moon: Lmao
Moon: I could xD
Yosho Esrevinu: You cannot!
Moon: I CAN TOO!
Yosho Esrevinu: TRY ME.
Moon: OKAY!
Moon: >>;
Moon: Anytime ya wanna make a subject! >O
Yosho Esrevinu: Out wise me with the comvo I just had with that guy!
Moon: Okay.
Moon: So, where to start?
Moon: Where you last outwitted him? xD
Yosho Esrevinu: Chyeah.
Moon: Okay, so.
Moon: Fist off, the whole idea of there being a multiplex of open 'Paths', is merely because of the simple fact that there are BILLIONS of guys out there, and only ONE of you. Therefore, if you choose and ass over a prince, you have an ass, and if you choose a prince, you have a prince. Plain and simple.
Moon: Only thing is
Moon: Is the overall taste you'd have in guys <.<;
Moon: Your DEPICTION
Moon: Which, when he comes, he comes, only when he means to xD
Moon: I found that out the hard way.
Yosho Esrevinu: And there's always that other chance he doesn't come.
Yosho Esrevinu: Or, he's never found.
Yosho Esrevinu: Or he's mistaken for some other.
Yosho Esrevinu: Then you're trapped.
Moon: No.
Moon: He's always found.
Yosho Esrevinu: Not always. Sometimes, death is caught way before.
Moon: It's like the saying goes: My knight in shining armor is on his way--he just took a wrong turn and is too stubborn to ask for directions.
Moon: Death is nothing more than a matter of sheer will
Moon: People die because they literally HAVE OR BELIEVE that there either
Moon: IS NOTHING
Moon: WILL BE NOTHING
Moon: Or nothing left in their life :/
Yosho Esrevinu: People die because it's nature. Perhaps by a knife to the throat, a shot through the heart, a uncurable disease.
Yosho Esrevinu: Nothing to do with beliefs.
Moon: That's true.
Moon: But, it is too cause of beliefe xD
Yosho Esrevinu: Nu-uh!
Moon: Ever notice how when a dying man on his death bed will not die untill he sees his daughter one last time?
Moon: Even though the doc announces his death at MIDNIGHT
Moon: And he lives two to three weeks longer?
Moon: EVer notice that?
Yosho Esrevinu: You can't exactly believe your heart out and actually make yourself stay alive when there's a gun held to the back of your skull. An insane man, finger on trigger not sure why, but he's going to shoot.
Yosho Esrevinu: That dying man on his death bed is lucky, that he has just a small chance and luck of staying alive a few weeks more.
Yosho Esrevinu: And hell, what do doctors know now days?
Yosho Esrevinu: Most are wrong, or just do their job lazily for the moeny.
Moon: Natural death, you can
Yosho Esrevinu: money*
Moon: FOrched by someone else, then yeah
Moon: Screw hoping to live
Moon: but NATURAL DEATH woman
Moon: NATURAL!!!
Yosho Esrevinu: NATURAL, depends on how naturally bad it is.
Moon: Nah.
Moon: Natural is Natural
Moon: And there is a God.
Moon: So, it does happen
Yosho Esrevinu: Don't believe in him.
Yosho Esrevinu: Why believe in a man that lets another man, crying and begging him, down? A good man. That has worked his whole life, helped other's life to be better. A man that has made sacrifices of his own wants and needs for others when in the end, when he's begging for God to let him survive, just an hour more to see her face. Why believe in such a Man? Why call him God when he's so horrible.
Moon: Certianly appears that way. But, if ya readthe bible, Jesus--HIS OWN SON--was begging him in the end while he was crucified. Jesus was a good man, was he not? Bringin people back to health and stuff, preaching about god and so on and so forth. And even he died, and it appeared as though God wasn't doing shit. Kieth Green--some famous guy who sung about God whole-heatedly--died in a plane crash with two of his children, and people say that god wasn't doing shit. Truth is, there is a God, and he does reward the man that begs for him in time. Not instantanously, cause then everyone and their momma would become christian just to get rich and shit. But none the less, he DOES infact reward the good man with much more than he bargained for.
Languish Moon: They say he's horrible? That's cause there are FAR MORE hellions and Jezebels out there.
Yosho Esrevinu: Bible- A book written thousands and thousands and thousands of years ago. Someone picked it up and said, "Let us follow this story." When really, we have no idea how it's all been done how we've all been created. Death, happiness, sadness comes to us all, some less so more. Some soon some later. A God does not decide our fate. It just happens, fate. No behind it, it's all alligned. We all have different religions in the world, Many. Who is to say which is the one? which is the correct one? No body. They're all stories written. As if someone picked up a 'Harry Potter Book' a million years after our time after all history and files of our currently living and life styles are demolished. And all that is left is a Rowling Harry Potter book. Hidden within the clay of the Earth. Words, barely understood, taken in as a religion.
Moon: Well, there's a reason why the Bible--a record of some things that are said to happen within our generation or the next--is actually take into a religion. One account, would be how it says that one third of the worlds population will be destroied. And that actually happened in World War 2--where Hitler was mass murdering Jews, and the rest of the world suffered massive fatalities. That is one account of where the Bible was an actualy living PREDICTION that pople WORLD WIDE witnessed.
Moon: Now, I personally dislike Harry Potter
Moon: SO, I'm not gunnaget onto that topic xD
Yosho Esrevinu: Lmao. Perhaps a fortell of the future. Not a religion. Perhaps it's our fault. We follow the Bible and it's bound to happen. We believe it dearly, it'll come true. Personally, I believe in fate. I believe that everything happens for a reason. No God or Bible in the matter. Sometimes it's our fate that we live a life never finding that other, our love. Or we lead a life, born to lose our first child. Or a life where one strikes it rich, marries and has three wonderful, talented children. And dies happy. It's all fate. Fate to make the world go round in the worst most horrible way.
Moon: Nah.
Moon: I dun see it that way
Moon: I see God as a random guy with a man-made 'Ant farm'
Moon: And somehow, when he feels the ants are ready, he picks off the bad ones
Moon: And sends the good ones into a diffrent, larger glass cage to keep doing their thing
Moon: As far as people and their lives go, it really is in the hands of man himself and herself.
Moon: But, God just oversees--cause he's the random guy watching, who drops in fruit as treets for the good ants.
Moon: And uses his magnifying glass on the bad ones xD
Yosho Esrevinu: Damnit I give up, this made me miss Inuasyaha!
Yosho Esrevinu: ; . ;
Moon: xD!!!
Moon: 'YES!!!
Moon: THOU ART OUTWITTEDDED!
Yosho Esrevinu: STFU.
Yosho Esrevinu: xO
Moon: xPPP
Moon: xD!
Yosho Esrevinu: I'm just... tired!
Moon: Told ya I could
Moon: >.>;
Moon: And so am I
Yosho Esrevinu: I still don't believe in God. <.<
Yosho Esrevinu: Too risky!
Moon: And why is it ot risky? >.>;
Moon: too*
Yosho Esrevinu: I say so.
Moon: I believe in him, and my life is good xD
Moon: Cause, I think he helped me get away from my ass of a dad
Yosho Esrevinu: Or fate got you away from your ass of a dad!
Moon: Nah.
Moon: I thought it over a thousand times
Moon: All the times I had to get away from him, I still said I wanted to stay
Moon: All the times that I wanted to leave, I still said I wanted to stay
Moon: EVEN BEFORE CORT DAMNIT
Moon: And they gave me to my ass of a dad
Moon: Why hasn't fate given me to my mom in the first place?
Moon: Or any time after that?
Yosho Esrevinu: Fate made you go through it all, made you wiser. MAde you feel the pain.
Yosho Esrevinu: To know what it's like, let you experiance it, so you can let other's know. It'll be okay.
Moon: So, it's fate when a mother kills her child, it's fate when a innocent girls gets raped by 5 diffrent men?
Moon: Its FATE when a plane crashes and everyone onboard dies?
Yosho Esrevinu: Yes, then they are reincarnated.
Moon: Man, you are freekin Hindu xD
Moon: I swear
Yosho Esrevinu: Lmao, I just went into a religion.
Moon: Lmao!!!


Then things got a little insane...........



Yosho Esrevinu: Alrighty. Lookie, I believe that that... NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT.
Yosho Esrevinu: No one knows how we were created!
Moon: That's why I dun go to church xD
Yosho Esrevinu: No one will ever know!!!
Yosho Esrevinu: Though, want to know something neat?
Yosho Esrevinu: We all started out as a small cell, not visible tot he nekkid eye!!!!!!!!!
Yosho Esrevinu: THEN WE GREW.
Yosho Esrevinu: TO ANOTHER ORGANISM.
Moon: ...
Yosho Esrevinu: THEN TO ANOTHER ORGANISM.
Yosho Esrevinu: AND AND.
Yosho Esrevinu: TO AN INVERTIBRATE.
Yosho Esrevinu: AND AND..
Yosho Esrevinu: TO A FISH!
Moon: Okay, if we started that way, why is it that we feel life has more in store for us other than to some random person of the opposite sex and constantly reproduce?
Yosho Esrevinu: AND AND... FISH LOST THEIR GILLS AND FLAPPED ONTO LAND!
Yosho Esrevinu: BECAME VERTABRATES!
Yosho Esrevinu: Because!
Yosho Esrevinu: We eventually became this! -Poses.- A human! with hormones!
Yosho Esrevinu: -Jumps onto a car, skaes her ass.-
Moon: Dogs have hormones.
Yosho Esrevinu: shakes*
Languish Moon: How come were' not like dogs?
Yosho Esrevinu: BECAUSE.
Yosho Esrevinu: They're DOGS.
Moon: Who come we dun just go around fucking eachother 24-7?
Moon: how*
Yosho Esrevinu: BECAUSE, WE HAVE A BRAIN WITH FAR MORE INTELLIGENTS!
Yosho Esrevinu: I'VE LOST MY PANTS!
Yosho Esrevinu: ...
Yosho Esrevinu: ...Kinky, no?
Yosho Esrevinu: xOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Moon: You make no sense xD
Yosho Esrevinu: I'm HYPER.
Moon: Dolphins and whales have brains with more intelligence than dogs
Yosho Esrevinu: You're....
Yosho Esrevinu: MOON.
Moon: And still
Yosho Esrevinu: NOT AS INTELLIGENT AS US.
Yosho Esrevinu: WE'RE ALIVE DAMNIT. ALIVE.
Moon: And they are too
Yosho Esrevinu: GIVE ME MY SOAP BOX TO PREACH UPON!
Yosho Esrevinu: And some nice peaches...
Yosho Esrevinu: .I...
Yosho Esrevinu: ...Snorted.
Yosho Esrevinu: LMAO.
Moon: >>;
Moon: Okay
Moon: SOmeone needs help
Yosho Esrevinu: DO.
Yosho Esrevinu: NOT.
Yosho Esrevinu: PIHGRIKHREW'
Yosho Esrevinu: Listen to him.
Yosho Esrevinu: He'll... show you the way.
Yosho Esrevinu: To... Eldorado.
Yosho Esrevinu: The city of pie.
Yosho Esrevinu: OMFG.
Yosho Esrevinu: Moon, I'm insane. I'm actually laughing at my stupidity!
Yosho Esrevinu: "THE CITY OF PIE."
Yosho Esrevinu: LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!
Yosho Esrevinu: .....
Yosho Esrevinu: I... think it passed.
Yosho Esrevinu: -Checks her breath.-
Yosho Esrevinu: Yeah, I think so.
Yosho Esrevinu: Hm.
Moon: ...
Moon: You're not insane
Moon: Just hyper.
Yosho Esrevinu: Oh.
Yosho Esrevinu: SHould I put the knife down then?
Moon: No, but ya should cut your mother shoes
Moon: It'll make her feel better =D
Moon: Well, her feet anyway
Yosho Esrevinu: Will do. -Waits for her mother to put her feet in her shoes, and prepares for the attack!-
Moon: LMAO!!!
Moon: FOOT STALKER!
Yosho Esrevinu: AM NOT.
Yosho Esrevinu: I'ma sexy man stalker!
Moon: AM TOO
Yosho Esrevinu: -Waiyts outside Aurin's window.-
Moon: Just a sec, I gotta go respond to gettin me boob -censored- >>;
Moon: So, yeah
Yosho Esrevinu: -Waits for him to go to bed, prepares for the cling!-
Yosho Esrevinu: ........
Yosho Esrevinu: LMAO.
Yosho Esrevinu: You said.. boob.
Yosho Esrevinu: WHich I mistaken for bob.
Moon: xD
Yosho Esrevinu: I was like... "What?! DON'T CENSOR BOB, HE HAS RIGHTS TOO!!!!!!"
Moon: xD!!!


But yeah, so what she won. I didn't even know what I was talking about anyway so UH! I know nothing about why life is the way it is neither does anyone! WE'RE JUST HERE, DAMNIT. And and... chicken-fried tators too.

Comments of the Day: I'm not a slut! Trying to find love and not be alone doesn't make me a slut! I'm just confused, and not sure who I want to be with so. STFU. You dun know me! You don't know how I'm a feelin'!

Comments of the Day: I hate Nathan!
Comments of the Day: I love Justin! :D But I hate HIM too!
Comments of the Day: I don't like Cord anymore, I don't like Cord anymore!!!!!!!! -Trying to fool herself.-
Comments of the Day: I'm not in love with Josh anymore, I'm not in love with Josh anymore!!! - Trying to fool herslf.-
Comments of the Day: I miss Josh...
Comments of the Day:....
Comments of the Day: Friggin' Alps! Ed's hott. -Grabs Ed's ass. Makes his metal leg hard. Wait... nevermind.... It's.. like.. already.. hard...-
Comments of the Day: .....
Comments of the Day: People use me, just found that out.
Comments of the Day: I have a bizarre stalker.
Comments of the Day: Jody is funny.
Comments of the Day: PJ, he hates me and thinks he's better than me, I know it!
Comments of The Day: I think Tiana dislikes me... <.<;
Comments of the Day: Matt, come back. Waky, waky! We were gonna play Yahoo games but I got carried away.
Comments of the Day: I miss Aurin.
Serious Comment of The Day:
I wish he would talk to me. I miss him so much.
Comments of The Day: I'm hispanic/Asian!
Comments of The Day: I hate life.
Comments Of the Day: I made Shareaza work! BWUAHAHAHA.
Comments of The Day: Friggin' Final Fantasy IX Disc 3 won't work!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Comments of The Day: Damnit! My rank on Socom II went down! ;___ ;
Comments of The Day: Moon: Bob is wrong
Moon: HE DESERVES BETTER THAN JENNY!!!
Yosho Esrevinu: xDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

[October third.] And he's gone, just like that...

"Shipped out."

My dear cousin, Josh, has gone off to training in Illinois. He wanted to be a Navy SEAL... and he did damn good to get where he is. Though now, he's been having second thoughts... About.. being a SEAL. And he may come home earlier than expected... All this. Because, he's in love. A girl, Tiana, changed his whole world around.

I know the feeling...

I love my cousin Josh. Dearly. He's like a brother to me. I have ALOT of great, hilarious memories with him. He made... life just a bit better, ya' know? I'm worried, I'm scared, and I miss him so much already.

-Sigh.- It happened so fast... We all knew he was leaving. But BAM, the day is here. And I wish I would've gotten more time spent with him. And.. there's other things, alot more things that I wish.

I'm going to leave his computer up just the way he left it. With his AIM Messenger on. And his Evanescence song on... So, who knows when I'll be on AIM again.

We had a 'Going Away' party for him yesterday... I had a great time with him. Collecting all those last together times in. Tiana was there, but only for a little while. She was playing the Electric guitar for us, I tried playing along with her, but she showed me up.(She can play so many instruments! AND SHE'S GOOD AT ALL OF THEM. PLAYING FREEKIN' OZZY ON THE GUITAR!)Well... >.> She had to go to work at Fright Farm. Naturally, Josh was really sad of it.

Heh, Josh and I played tennis, or whatever it's called with the tennis racket and stupid birdie thing... It was fun. Josh and I were sword fighting with our tennis rackets and all that jazz. (Goofing off as usual.) we were all sitting together, the family and all. I looked at Josh there. I could tell something was up. Either he was nervous about the shipping out or... because he missed Tiana. I felt so bad. Then, I wanted to watch a movie with him before the night was up... But it was too loud, I was so upset. I just wanted to watch a good movie with him before he went. Well, didn't work out. It was night, party was over. And well, I did NOT want to leave yet. Didn't want to leave Josh yet. Then he wanted to go to the Fright farm to see Tiana. He got the coolest idea and asked if I could go. My mom didn't have the money, but Josh paid my way though, with the money he got that night. It was great. Just me and him. It was my first time ever going to the Fright Farm. I was so nervous. But Josh was there. We had quite a conversataion on the way over. Talked about... things that I thought we would never talk about. He asked me what DID happen with me and Conan. And well... I told him, I had never told any of my family, really, what happened with Conan and I. Josh is the first one to really know. (Josh and I are alike. Our feelings toward the relationship that we were/are in. How I was with Conan is how he is with Tiana. Perfect.) And well, he told me something that made me upset. He said that he would let Tiana date other guys while he was away. "Josh, that's not right!" --- He understood where I was coming from. " I know, I know. But she's only fourteen, and I'm eighteen. She has alot of guys to see out there. I mean, I don't want her to kiss or hug the other guy, just hold hands. And if she's still here, waiting for me when I come back, then, I'll know. That's it's for real. That me and her were meant to be together forever." It's exactly how I felt about Conan when he was grounded and we weren't allowed to talk at all. "When Conan get's un-grounded and we get to talk again. If... he's still with me, I'll know. He won't ever leave me... And he isn't lieing. He and I will be together forever." We'll, it wasn't meant to be forever. I found out that he left me. And he lied. About everything. And I'm hoping that Josh's fate with Tiana isn't going turn out depressing like mine did. I'm really worried that Tiana will leave him. It'll break his heart. I don't want Josh to ever feel that. I hope they will be together forever. At least someone in this family will get everything they ever dreamed for...

Josh bought her a Three-Thousand ring a couple days ago. He calls it a promise ring... (Secretly, an engagement ring.) The ring is beautiful. And he keeps saying "A beautiful ring on a beautiful girl, what a sight. It's perfect." Josh is the sweetest guy. And Tiana better not leave him... I mean, how could anybody? Girls kill to have a guy like that... A non-perverted guy, nothing but romance. If only, if only, guys were more like that. I could've swore... Josh was never going to fall in love. He used to be so cold-hearted. "I'm NEVER going to marry, she'll just take my money." And he was just focused on being a SEAL. He trained hard, lost ALOT of weight. And was ready. But then, Tiana came into his life. As I said before, changed his whole world around.I asked him. Does he have any regrets. He regrets now... that he even sighed up for SEAL. He just wants his Tiana... Makes for a damn good Romantic movie if you ask me. It's the sweetest thing.

Anyway... We got to the Fright Farm. After having that conversation with Josh. Nevrous, I was. He kept telling me it's alright. It's not even that scary. I told him I might cuss and he's like "That's fine, we're just two adults havin' fun." First was the hay ride. Josh set off the edge, I sat right behind him clinged right on him telling him to warn me of what's to come. Half-way through the hay ride, a guy with a chain-saw jumps out of the pitch-black woods and jumps up on the ride. A bunch of people were screaming. It wasn't scary though. Actually it was kinda annoying, the guy kept putting the chainsaw, with no chain on it of course, onto the boards of the ride making it vibrate under my ass. Lol. And the guy jumped out like three times in different places.I did more laughing than I did screaming. And gosh, it's just teenagers from my High-School really, doing all the scaring. Then we rode past this dark house and a hillbilly jumped onto the ride from the rooftop. It was hilarious... Ah well, we finally get to the mansion, 'Fright Farm.' And there was a guy dressed as a vampire, introducing us. Josh is like "That guy is the coolest." He reminded me of Sephiroth. o.0; So yeah he was cool. We went inside, passing up a guy that was like 6''6 feet tall. I held onto Josh's arm the whole time. Lmao. I made his arm so freekin' sweaty. We had to go through a little maze. We kept running into Jason and his knife. Scared the hell out of me. We were lost in the maze, I told Josh to follow the right wall, it's a sure way of getting out. He didn't want to believe me he's all like "Caitlin, I've been through this like.. three times. I know what I'm doin'." In the end, he found out I was right. More scary stuff, etc. We walked passed this statue.. it was awefully big. And I'm like.. "Is that real?--- "Hm, well I don't knoooww..." -Sly tone. Josh knew it was real. I walk by it and the statue AKA some guy painted up jumps at me. So naturally, I scream. It was fun though... Then there was this dragon statue, also a guy dressed up. Walked pass walls, that friggin' suddenly pop down and people scream at you from the inside. And geeze... There were alot of hot guys there doing all the scaring. There were like two guys smelling me, trying to scare me and freak me out. Josh said I must smell good. "How? I'm all sweaty." Then we walked through this house or dungeon, and this guy with a knife is like "GET OUT! GET OUT!" Me and Josh quickly got out of there. I'm like.. "You gotta understand the man, we just walked through his house, course he's gonna be mad, yo." --- "Yeah. Lmao." Then we walked pass a girl covered in blood, all weird like... "She's like I didn't mean to kill them.. " Then she started screaming-- "HELP ME. HELLP MEEEEEEEE." (All part of the act.) I looked at Josh. "Uh, think we should help her." -- "Nope!" It was great, then the coolest guy we walked by. He was lookin' like a imp or a little devil or something... And we had to walk up these stairs, and he would follow us, climbing up the railing. Josh is like "You must have the best job." The guy shook his head. It was a great night, we came across Tiana. She didn't know we were coming. I saw her smile when she tried scaring us. She got up in my face screaming. Josh blew her a kiss and said he loved her. It was funny. But she didn't get out of character. She did an awesome job.

[October 8th.]
I miss Josh...
So one turned his computer off while I was gone~! I wanted to leave it the way it was... For as long as I could.

I hate going into his room... It's so bare, empty without him. I just try to pretend he's just down Tiana's house...

So many great memories of him, I'll try to list a few.
This one time,...Uh! Damnit! I know they're there but... I can't remember them... There's so many great times with Josh, I can't even remember...
I know I loved going shopping with him. There was this one time where we were waiting in the car for my mom. And three huge fat people walk by. And he's like "Geesh! DID YOU SEE THAT? DID YOU SEE THAT? IT WAS LIKE A TRAIN OF FAT PEOPLE!!!" xDDDD Ah, the way he said it, was great. And he'd always go in the store with us, and put women's clothes against him. "How do I look? How do I look Aunt Tammy?" And people would stare and he'd stop and stare back. Lmao...
But, damnit!I can't remember... everything. I'll put some up when I remember.

The last day he was here was so depressing. He mostly stayed in his room hugging Tiana.I was lookng at old pictures on the computer, of him and David and Matthew. I was falling apart. Then, I just stood at the door crying, waiting for that white car to pull up and take Josh. Well, that white car pulled up, went to Josh. "I want a hug..." We hugged and I started crying into him, sounded like he was starting to cry too.

And well, he left... Gave me another hug.. Saying he'll be back soon, me replying with a 'You better'...

There wasn't a dry eye around... So, yes Josh. You are loved, believe it or not. Shown, if not shown, you are very much loved.

And out of it all. I regret that I didn't give him the respect he deserved. When he comes back... He'll get my never ending respect...


I love you Joshua Cain! My cousin, my brother!

Good? o_O

Anywho... Sup? How are you? Oh. Really? That's awful... When will it grow back?
-The High-School Life-
Anywho... Had another plain, quick, good week of School-of-High. -Yawn.- Not all that interesting. I didn't go to school on Tuesday though. I missed the bus and didn't want mom to have to drive me to school and whatnot. AH, our Reading Teacher has left the building. Leaving us with many Subsitute Teachers... T.T She found another job and well... left. What a bitch! And I thought.. s-she loved me! ; ;

Anywho.

We had ONE hott sub! God, he was so hott and had the coolest hair... Thing is. He was very... Aurin-ish... o_o Maybe that was why I luuuuuuubbed him. He was so freekin' tall too. Taller than Aurin. >.> I don't think this guy could fit through the door. But gosh... I hope he comes back. So I can stare at him and his lovely locks and Aurin-Nish face.

And gosh, so many hott guys at HS... But, Cord is the top guy. Yep. He's the most gorgeous guy and my High-School crush. (To me at least.) Even though... There's Richard... (Mike's bro.) WHICH IS SO EFFIN' HAWT.(For a goth.)Which, I have a small crush on him. And I have yet to say hi to him. He still doesn't know what I look like or who I am. And OMFG. He rode my bus on Thursday, like one seat away. I tried not to look back at him. I WAS going to say hi but I froze. .............. >.> Teehee. He has an Fullmetal Alchemist bookbag! Ou, ou. And there's this other goth/punk guy that's really tall and har black hair and dark eyes and awesome pants! He's so mmm good! He look like he poped out of an anime. ;~; He even has an anime nose! SO AWESOME. And speaking of hott guys. I accidentally touched a hott guy's ass. xO I was so friggin' happy the last period because of it. I through stuff at the Hispanic-Anthony in my Art class. And gosh, I was hyper. I kept making him laugh with my stupid-ness. He's like "Want to go?1" And I looked to the girl next to me and went "HOLD MY GOLD" With a funky accent. And he busted out laughing. He's really cool. He's so much like Randy. Ah well. I got to talk to Mike Z (Richard's bro xP) I'm like"MIKE, WHY HAVEN'T YOU BEEN TALKING TO ME?!" ---"Uh, I haven't seen you." Which is awfully true. I only see him when we're going out to the buses. v.v; I miss him so bad.

I joined Art club. Teacher for it kinda scares me. With her.. funky eye and all... Anywho... She gave us a piece of paper and wrote "Dream Weaver" on the bottom and told us to draw what ever came to mind when the thought of it. I drew a damn good picture. -Nod.- Course, it was Anime-ish. An old guy sitting on a rock, with many threads, and he's weaving a bunch of dreams.. etc. My mom loved it.


-Love life-
I broke up with erik. v.v; It was bound to happen. But it happened today... -Sigh.- I'll miss it, but it's best this way. We lost that passion and ...yeah. We're still friends though. Fun.~ And god... I'm lonely already and fucked up. Not sure who I'm in love with or even if I am in love... I believe I'm in love with Aurin yet... -Sigh.-...

It's been awhile. Short week; long hours. Many Strange Updates. -Yawn.- Anywho. Geeze. I got up at 5:20 AM. Well, because Joshua woke me. Ah, I'm glad he did because we were able to convo before he went to work. Yes, he has a Job now too. ;~; They're all growing up so fast! Josh - 18. David - 2o. (But acts like a friggin' 13 year old; I sware.) Josh is working at the 'Fright Farm' A lil' fun place in Southwest Pennsylvania for all teh lil' teenagers to hold hands and make out. :DDDD Not really. It's a 'Halloween' place. There's a hay ride and a creeepy mansion where you're supposed to walk through and have people jump out and scare you. =\ I never went there because I'm too pussy to have a guy jump out at me. Though, Richard wanted me to go with him and his gang. (Richard is my friend's, Mike Zangalio, brother. We've been convo-ing on AIM and we never met face to face. I saw him in Middle School alot though. He's a total goth, but is totally awesome. He says Anime is his LIFE. o_o; That's right were we connected. Right there, right there. Oh, and he's totally hott. <.<;) But yeah, I'm not going to go with him and his friends. I'm too shy. But yeah, Josh is working at the 'Fright Farm'. Which is like, where most of all the students at High-School works. =\ Teehee, it's a better Job than what David is doing. We call him the 'Chicken-Man.' because he works at KFC. x3 Ah, who am I kiddin'. I want to work there and steal some chicken! >D Anywho... ^_^ There's no school today, I have no idea why. -Shrugs.- I'm not complaining. <.< If I had to deal with daydreaming, smoking in the courtyard, throwing little Freshmenz in the very thin lockers and doing abosolutely nothing but sleep in school one more day in a row, I would have stabbed somebody. Hah... Just kidding. I don't sleep in school.

Anyway.

I guess I had a very... 'sweet' week. High-School seems to pass by with a snap of a finger. o_o Ah well. It's great though. I've doing awesome on my tests so far this year. I think we've taken like... five tests so far. I got a 120% on my History test.(The twenty points are from bonus.) A 94, I think, on my English test. Another 94 on my German test. And the other tests have yet to be graded. And yeah, another week stalking Cord. My High-School crush. =( Okay,I don't stalk him. But. I do stare at him from across the lunch room. >.> NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. Oh god,there's this kid that sits next to me Justin and Timmy. I never talked to him because... he seemed weird. And well... I was going on about "AWWW! Look! CORD'S EATING! AIN'T HE BEAUTIFUL!!!" And the kid overheard me. And he's like "Cord who?" I blinked... "Cord... Radici." And he's like.. "Ha!" And I'm like what? Turns out... he's Cord's friend, so says he. So, I started asking a bunch of questions about Cord. He said he was a Track runner. And I'm like "What? Crack runner?" I laghed for like 15 minutes at that misunderstanding. I could imgaine Cord running with weed in his arms. Anyway... The kid gets up tp throw stuff away, and I'm watching him... just wondering... and BAM! He starts walking towards Cord. ;~; I fucking freaked. And the kid was almost at Cord and the teacher yelled, telling us to go to our next class. I darted out. I was fucking gone before Cord could look out. God! I wanted to punch that kid in the FACE. But I didn't...Next day at lunch, I just pointed at him and was like "You!" And sat down. Funny thing was, Cord didn't come the next day. xP So I bothered the kid the whole time about how he scared Cord off. And he's like "People DO get sick ya' know!" But yeah... That was a scary event. Even though... I was kinda.. hoping that Cord would've like... came over... and talked... to me. Chyeah right. Anywho. I got to see Jody! Jody is great. I tried getting him and Randy to skip class and go to lunch with me. JOdy pretended like he was going to go. Made me mad. xP They're both like "Would if I could." Sucks that they don't have the same lunch. ;~; AH well, got to see Nathan again. He started messing with me. "And what is Caitlin doing in her locker?!" Then he stole my effin' lock. T.T "Have fun doing your combination again." He was going to close my lock and make me redo it to open it. >.< I got it back though. He didn't close it. And the other day he gave me a slight shove. And walked off following this short fat kid named Andrew. And he's like "Hey, hey. Come back here lil' fatty." It was funny.Amd yeah. Something hilarious happened in Science class with Justin. Mr. Moore. Is kinda scary besides hott. And we had to watch this stupid educational movie. And we were NOT to talk. And well, Justin sits in front of me. So, I pinched his arm. he tried pinching my hand and all. It was great, we weren't talking so. xP Then, he would'nt take his elbow off my desk. So I got my pen out and drew a face on his elbow signing 'Mr. Elbow.' Justin took his arm back to see what I wrote. He almosted busted out laughing. I kept letting loud snickers out. I was TRYING not to laugh. Then I grabbed his arm back and drew a face on his arm and wrote 'Mr. Arm. Then took his hand and drew a face, wrote Mr. Hand. It was hilarious. But yeah.

Ou. God. Anthony Stevenson is hilarious. I have two Anthony's in my Art class. One is Stevenson and thee other one has a Spanish last name. o_o I'm like... "Are you Spanish?" ---"Yes, I am."--- "Awesome!" Heh, I actually talk to him now. I think he's cute. Meaning the spanish Anthony.He's cute and funny. xP

Wow... Anywho...

The English teacher got another job so, she's leaving. =\ So, we're going to have a totally differ teacher, which sucks. Ah well...

Piano is getting cool. I'm able to play some of Beethoven's Fur Elise! It's so cool. I got to keep practicing hand cordnation. SO I'll be able to play with both hands at the same time. ;~; It's actually helping me with Guitar. So like... Piano and guitar is two good combinations.

Ah, at home, we rented a bunch of movies. It was cool. I got to see the Pacifier, Ladder 49, Sin City, Million Dollar Baby, National treasure, and Shall We dance. All were awesome movies. Except for Sin City. >.< Who the fuck threw that shit into a pile?! God... It was so gay. National Treasure was the best movie out of them all, I thought. It was sooo effing bad. I loved it! Makes me want to go steal the Declaration JUST to see if there IS a map on the back. ;~; Ah, I didn't really watch all of Ladder 49 and Million Dollar Baby but what I saw of them was good. My mom cried watching Ladder 49. xP It was funny. But I bet I would've cried too if I was into it. Million Dollar Babay was great. Though I went outside. =/ And layed in the back yard looking up at the night sky. Another night before this night, I had did the same thing, except that night you could see all of the stars... and the air wasn't as cool. It feels great. One of the things I love best at my home. I have a place to escape. But only at night can I do so. I'm not going to lay in the backyard yard in daylight for people to see me and be all like "WTF?! She dead?" but anyway... It's really soothing and great. I love doing it. I just lay there looking up and the stars and sky and all. Thinking to myself about alot of things. Like I'll wonder "Is there living life out there? In space?" ANd all that jazz. And I'd start to think about the past. I thought about how the backyard was just a bunch of trees and six feet tall weeds growing. There was absolutely no place to lay and look up at the sky. It was a literal jungle. Now, it's just a ver small field of grass. I like it this way. Though, I kinda miss the jungle. My Step-brothers used to have forts in the tree's and have this huge fort in the middle of the weeds. I remember, oh how I remember it. There used to be a shed, a broken car. Giant holes. All gone now. We used to play with lil' hot wheels cars in the dirt. Ah, there was this one time where us three camped out. Had a little bon fire and a huge tent. We all slept in the tent. But it had gotten really cold. I remember waking up and looking outside the tent. My brothers were just sitting around the fire. They had waited for me to wake up. Because they wanted to go inside. But they could'nt leave me outside by myself. They actually waited for me. And well, we went inside the warm house and just passed out in the living room. First time I felt them care for me, I believe. I do miss it. And I do kinda miss my Step-Brothers, may it be silly to feel that way when they just hated me. Ah well. It is quite a change though. I thought about my Ex-Best Friend DJ. And how it all changed.How he stopped talking to me. And how I stopped talking to him. But me and him still have a small connection. If I see him in the hall he'll smile at me. Ah well. I miss the big guy. <.< I thought about David and Josh. And how everything's changing with them as well. They're both like my blood brothers I never had. I remembered when us three would hang out. Play video games. Similiar moments like my step-bro's Shawn and Ronnie. But Josh and David actually care about me and were kind. We'll never get to have moments like that again... Josh is going to be a SEAL, David has a job and a car... -Sigh.- I really miss times like that. I feel as if I took it all for granted... Perhaps I did. I regret it too. I've been thinking alot about the 'past'. When I really should'nt. It makes me sad. And makes me just miss it all too much. -Sigh. sigh, sigh.-

As I laid there, looking at the stars. I tried to imagine someone next to me. And I was snuggled up to them, their arms around me. -Sigh.- It's something I'd really enjoy to have... Just someone there. Loving me and holding me under a stary sky, ya' know? Fairly romantic. Ahhhhhhhh wellllll.......... Maybe one day it'll happen, maybe one day it won't.

Well, my Grandma was going to see if the neigbor next door, Marge, would sell her house to her. My Grandmother wants me and my mom to live there, where Marge is. Marge is a very old neigbor. I've know her since I was like... four. I used to go over and ask her for a popsicle. Anyway. I do like Marge's trailer, ALOT better looking than our current one. But... I don't know. I don't want to move just yet for some reason. I mean, we're not moving... But it's just a thought that's into the air. I'd like to live there... I mean, I would'nt have to change schools. Because same area that goes to Albert Gallatin. I want to... Then again... I don't. -Shrugs.- Heh, I know I'd defiantely miss my back yard. And yeah... I just got my new room... and stuff situated, I'm not ready to move. But soon, I just might..... Maybe.

Ah, well. Ah, well. I think I might go back to sleep. -Yawns.- I'm tired.


Updates: I totally heart ya Moonz. ;~;
Updates: I'm dieing of lonliness. T.T
Updates: I'ma go steal the Declaration of Independence!
Updates: CORD!
Updates: NARUTO IS AWESOME. Except Naruto's effin' retarded voice. >,<
Updates: I'ma edit my forum later on!
Updates: Victoria likes Inuyasha too! AND SHE THINKS MIROKU IS HAWT AS WELL!
Updates: I just might edit this later on!
Updates: I like Football!
Updates: JUSTIN, GET ONLINE YOU BASTARD.
Updates: My School-bookbag ways two-millon tons! :DDDD
Updates: ......
Updates: German is teh awesome.
Updates: I'ma punch Brandon in the FACE.
Updates: I want to hug Nathan. ;~;
Updates: Anthony wakes up at "Five" goes to bed at "Two" And sometimes Wakes up at "Four." xDDDD (Note: You guys would'nt understand. You'd just have to be there.)
Updates: People in Piano were like "Caitlin, why don't you talk?! Caitlin's an artist!"
Updates: I'm thinking about joining band next year.
Updates: I just choked on my own saliva and died.

August 29th. I started school. Not just ...'school'.... But..... HIGH-SCHOOLLLLL. >.< I was soooooo nervous. Laying in bed, could NOT sleep. Worrying how my first day would go... Gawd, I was a wreck. I stood at my bus stop. With familiar people, didn't talk to them. Got on the bus, sat in the back behind a guy on a cell phone. This is where things got lightened up... This hott guy sitting across from the guy with the cell phone was like "Dude, who are you talking to?" The guy on the cell phone was like "My girlfriend, man." The dude just shook his head. I giggled to myself. I know I remembered these two guys from grade school... But I could'nt remember their names. But, they're totally cool. Then Shane, a guy I knew in Middle School, gets on the bus. He's tall and lanky. He had curly hair last time I saw him... but now... It's a whole differ story. xD He has long straigth hair that goes past his chin. He sits down and the one guy I was talking about was like "Shane, lay off the weed." I tried not to bust out laughing... it was HILARIOUS. Because... he DID look like a stoner with that haircut. Anywho... I got a lil' bit calmed. Wasn't really all that nervous now. Got off the bus and saw.... TIMMY...and JODY! I like... squealed and clinged. I was like... "We got to keep together! As a group!" Because, god. That place is huge. =\ Well, Timmy was like "Tch." And went off. So I followed Jody, and he found his class. So I was like... Standing. In the hallway. Alone... I suddeny felt the world CRASH. So... Then I went around to find MY Homeroom... I...was LOST. SO I had to keep asking a bunch of different teachers. After several... hours and such... I found my Homeroom! -Exagerating.- And damn. I had to sit in the front because my last name JUST has to be 'Abadejos'. Anyway... The teacher is real nice. She's the german teacher. Frau Vadergrith. <.<; I THINK I spelled it right. And gosh, I didn't have my friends in that class either, other than Randy. Which he's so adorable. He got up to sharpen his pencil and smiled at me. Sooo cute! Anyway. That class went well, all she did was pass papers out. Class was over and well, I was lost again. Could'nt find my next class. ;. ; History class it was. <.< Finally found it. And the teacher was Mister Courie! He was a teacher over my Middle school from which I came! He didn't know me but I knew him. And he bugged me about my name. e.e; He was like... "How do you say it... Abadahos? Abadehjos? Rock me Armadejos?" Gosh, so many teachers mess with me name. x3 But, it's cool. And Mister Courie is real cool. He's funny. Though, what sucked, was none of my friends were in that class. So, it was awkward, to sit there, alone. Then it was Third period time. And as I was walking... I saw the guy I have a bit of a crush on. I almost squealed and look to the guy next to me and say "OMGZ! LOOK! It's Cord!" Then, I'd just get slaughtered. x3 I had a crush on this kid in Seventh Grade, and in Eigth he was at the High-School and I had Conan. But now... I get to see his heavenly smile again! His name is Cord. e.e; And he's gorgeous. Anyway. I had to find my English class. I think I found that class well. The teacher was Miss. James. ALSO a teacher from my Middle School! So... this was awesome. She taught Math Stratigies. So, I had her. All she did was go over class procedures, that was about it. Then it was lunch... And I had told my mother that morning... "Gah! I'm just going to go sit in the batheroom the whole lunch!" I peeked in the lunch room, sooo many peeps. But I saw Victoria! Like, she's such a saint and a good friend. I was like "My savior!" And sat next to her. She was like "Oh, thank god." So both of us were scared that we would be sitting alone. But really, I wasn't going to be alone. I was afraid Timmy and Justin and the others would all have a differnt lunch period than me. But I looked up and saw Timmy and waved. Then... next to him, I SAW JUSTIN! Note: This was the first time I saw him since the last day of Eight Grade. He pretty much looks teh same. xP Except, he's almost taller than me! >,< He waved and did one of those silly head nods as if to say.. "Sup?" Anyway, they were in the lunch line. All of a sudden someone plants a seat in front of me and I was like "Woah!" It was Tiana! My cousin, Josh's girlfriend. She's cool and all. x3 SO like... Everything went cool. Tiana, Justin and Tim sat by me. I WASN'T ALOOONE. So yeah, lunch went awesome. Then... I went to my Science class. Science teacher is HOTT. >.< Mmm. Mr. Moore, Mr. Moore, gimme more! xD ......<.<; Lame... Anywho. Justin was supposed to have that class but accidently went to the wrong Science class and like... stayed there the whole period. Mr. Moore is great. Anyway... Piano was after that... Mr. Kendell. And yeah. Piano is... awkard. There was only six people there. Five girls and a guy. <.< He's a senior! Anyway... I kinda don't like Piano because like... everything is too awkward. I feel like everyone hates me in that class. Anyway, after that class I have Algebra. Dun know much people in there either. =/ The teacher is Mrs. Pillar. Then, I have Art I. And GAWD It's too crowded. ;~;.... But it's kinda neat. Well, after Art, it's time ta go! Home that is... Got on the bus, and this guy sitting in front of me and turns around and starts talking to me. And this guy was hott. e.e; 'Cause... he resembled Cord... Anyway He's like "You're sitting behind me, might as will talk to you. I'm a senior. This is my last day." I said "This is my first." He laughed and then it got all quiet. Then like Five minutes later he turns back around.. "Man, last year, Wayne, wrecked into a car." (Wayne is our bus driver.)I laughed and said "Geeeze" Yeah... then it got quiet again. So... that was about my first day in High-School. It was cool. Went home and told, well 'tried', to tell mom about my day. But she kept going off, ignoring me again. >/ It's been a good week, I guess. Great stuff. I'm learning some German already! So awesome. "Wie heisst du?" Heh. Ou! I got to see Nathan! IT WAS COOL. I pushed him in the arm and he smiled at me and pushed me back. Then another day I was walkin' down the hall and he he stood in front of me and asked "When do you have lunch?" He wanted me to get my schedual changed so I could have lunch with him. =/ Nooo way. I have lunch with the collest peeps! (Meaning, Cord... e.e;) Nate seems to be my friend still. -Shrugs.- Thank God I lost that crush I had on him. e_e

I'm meeting awesome people. The guy on the bus is hilarious. Always pickin' on the guy with the cell phone. Yesterday He's like. "Man, you're always on that phone. WHO are you talking to."---- "My girlfriend."---"I bet you're talking to no body." xDDD He's great. He's football playa! Ou! I saw Matt! Gosh, I forgot how tall he was... But yeah. All it was like.. "Hey, Matt." "Hey!" I asked him for help in the hall. =/ He's like "I'm lost myself!" He's priceless. And tall. o_o And, and, and.. hott. <.<; x3 Anywho. Gosh, everytime I see Cord... My day always gets better! It's amazing... I sware he's an angel. e.e; He never stops smiling. Except today, he looked sad. ;~; Two of my friends know him. >,< Tiana and Timmy. Timmy rides the bus and sits next to him. Tiana has Spanish class with him... -Shivers.- Gosh... Anyway.. nuff bout Cord.

T_T

And man, I'm sucking in Math already! Math is my worst subject. v.v It makes me feel so stupid. And, yay! Justin finally got on the right track and goes to Science class with me. So... Yeah, I get just one class with him. v.v; Sucks...
Gah... Today we had a Prep rally. (Yes, I called it 'Prep' even though, originally it's 'Pep' But... there are way too many Preps, alway, leading that thing. So yeah. I call it Prep. o_o.) Anywho.... It was awesome! There were a line of Guys with their shirt off!!!!!!! Spelling out 'Colonials' on there chests. I was like...."Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm." xDDD <.<; But yeah. x3 Anywho. I'm tired.
So...


CORD.

Yosho, out.~

-Sigh.- I just about had it...
Had it with my family complaining... "Get off the computer.- Go do something! -Get out and see the world! " GOD. Ohhh. How I'm about to tell everyone "STFU. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND." -Siiiiiiigh.- They really don't understand... Like I enjoy sitting in a room, by myself, on the computer for hours on end. I don't enjoy it... But, it's all I can do right now. It's all I have. All I have to do, keep me entertained and not as lonely. I WANT to go out. With friends. See a movie, go shopping, or just simple drive around, doing random things. Sadly, I don't have close friends I can do such with. Nor do I have a mother that has enough money to take me anywhere. How I'd just die to go out and see the world. Yeah, chatting and all that IS fun. But not fun when it's all I have. I'd just like to chat for a little bit then go spend the rest of my time off the computer and go out. Then come back, chat and tell people how it was.

God, I wish my family would understand. I've already tried to explain it to my mother. But she didn't seem to give a damn. "Mom, the reasons I don't get off the computer is because it's all I have to do. I don't exactly have a job or friends I can go hang out with like David. Or have a boyfriend I could always talk to, spend time with. Just like Josh spends his time with his girlfriend. But, I do want all that. You think I like sitting on the computer 24/7? No, you're wrong. I want to go out... See things! Breathe fresh air. Spend time with friends! That's what I want... But I can't. I just don't have it." And her simple reply was... "Ow. -Picks at her arm. Ew, looks like a bruise or something coming in. Doesn't it?" She totally fucking ignored what I was trying to get through her skull....iwt74triu42yt9865~!!!!!!!!!!! I hate it...

Well, I'm deciding to go home for awhile. Perhaps a week or less or so. I can't take everyones complaining. My Uncle Rick. He walks into the room, sees me on the computer "Of course. I'd knew I'd find you here." And once I was just sitting on the couch in the living room. He walks in. "Hey, why aren't ya chatting? You're shadow is in there." God... Even when I am off the computer, he has something to say about it. He even got his sons saying stuff. Like Justin'll say "God, don't you get bored of chatting? Go outside. Geeeze." And I was outside one day and I'm like "You guys still got that van?" My Uncle Dave makes a nice comment. "Yeah, you'd notice it if you got out more." Then. I woke up this morning and just layed there. Josh was on the computer, he didn't know I was awake. Just layed there with eyes half opened. But my mind was fully opened. My Uncle walks in, he doesn't notice I'm awake as well and goes. "I told Caitlin to get off the computer -blurr-blurr... She blurr--Hasn't been taking breaks like I told her. liuewiugfewiu" Not exactly sure what he said... All I know is that he was complaining. Then Josh replies with. "She gave me an attitude last night, about tired of it." Something like that. =/ Well, last night, I'll admit, I did give him an attitude. Because I'm doing something on the computer, I was just irritated at the moment and he asks if I will play a media file. I'm like "Okay. Hold on juuust a sec." But then he's sitting there. "You going to play a song? Did you get that song? Caiiiitlin play the sooong. Blah-blah-blah." I FUCKING HEARD HIM THE FIRST TIME HE SAID ANYTHING. "Josh, alright, I'm getting the song, I heard you!"And that was the attitude i gave him. I was getting to his song, I DID NOT forget!!!!!!!!-Sigh.- But yeah, I heard them both talking. Complaining about me. Layed there and burried my face into the pillow and cried, still, no one noticed I was awake, and heard it all. God, So yeah. I shall return home, to the shit hole.

So. Why I am on the computer? Chatting my life away? Because: I am not able to go out with friends. For what reasons? Simply because I don't have the money, the right kind of friends and whatnot. Hell, I remember asking my mother if I could 'stay the night' at Justin's house. "No, you'll have SEX!!!!!" So yeah. I don't have a boyfriend. I can't go anywhere. Mom won't take me anywhere. I asked her to take me to see a movie. A simple fucking movie. Well, it's too late. It's not in Theaters anymore, I believe. And yet she continues not to take me anywhere. I've only gone to see one movie this summer and one place this summer. I went to Idlewild Park and went to see 'The Longest Yard.' for my birthday. Which... Wasn't all that enjoyable when we missed the fucking beginning. No one takes me anywhere or are willing to. Yet, they fucking sit there and complain?!? ABOUT HOW I DON'T GO ANYWHERE?!?! I'm fucking fifteen assholes! I can't DRIVE MYSELF PLACES YET74354!!!!. If I fucking could, I drive off a bridge. Or to a fucking better place. -So T'ed right now.- God, I hate it here so bad. Someone just please, come, take me away. v.v

Sometimes I think, I'll just stop going on-line. And never go back to chatting again. I honestly think people would'nt miss me or care all that much or not at all if I did. But, I'm not able to just 'disappear' from the on-line life. I love the people I chat with too much. I can't leave the people that has kept me sane, happy and gave me knowledge and laughs for three years. I won't ever be able to leave them all. They all mean a lot to me and I'd miss them dearly. Yet, they'll end up leaving me in the end. -Sigh.- Why is it that I'm the one to never leave? Everyone leaves me.

God, please, someone, anyone. Take me away. To a better place. Someone, anyone. Save me...
They just don't understand...

(Made me glad to be alive that is.) -Sigh.- I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. About my whole... 'Sudden' depression. I mean, there'll be a moment where I'm totally fine then... something goes wrong, so... BAM! I'm crying. Feeling so lonely and lost. I most certainly despise the feeling. =/ I don't know what's wrong!~@~!##!~ >,< Perhaps I really should see a shrink; Many people have recommended it to me. Or, yeah, maybe it's that I AM toooooo emotional. (Which, chyeah, I KNOW THAT I AM.)If so... What do I do about that? Isn't exactly something I can grasp and decide to control, to stop. But; Yeah...
What am I to do? See the shrink? Get meds? Er... Let it eventually go away? On it's or my own?

Recently; I'm scared. That Erik is going to leave me and all. We almost did break up but... We didn't, yet, I still sense it there. Sense it WILL happen. He's been distant these past couple days. Saying he's 'busy'. I try to believe him, I want to believe him. But it's all hard to. Believe. After he lied about loving me. He only said he did to make me feel better, happy. So now, I wonder, is there something he's not saying, to make me happy? -Sigh.-

NOTE FOR ALL: I always want honesty. Fuck lies. Yeah, they'll make me happy for the time being. But, they're lies. They'll fuck over all the happiness they ever brought me. They will DESTROY ME;Once I know they're lies. So please. PEOPLE. DON'T FUCKING LIE TO ME, EVER. GOOD ER BAD LIE. NO LIES. PERIOD. ASSWHIPES.

Anywho... Today, Erik was busy all day... didn't really get to talk to him... SO yeah, I was down all day. Then, he comes back, I cling.:

=Yosho= ERIK.
=Yosho= -Clings again.-
=Yosho= ; . ;
=xxxKid= *Hugs Yosho tight*
=xxxKid= Imma bout to go to bed =/
=Yosho= ; --------- ;
=MechaCorra= me too.
=Yosho= Buuuuuuuuut.
=xxxKid= I need to get my sleep scheduel fixed
=Yosho= Erik, >.<
=Yosho= -Falls off.-
=Yosho= _- _
=xxxKid= Night.
=MechaCorra= night
=xxxKid= *Pets Yosho*
=Yosho= -Holds back tears of retched PAIN.......-
=Yosho= -Fizzles.-
=xxxKid= =/
=xxxKid= wretched
=xxxKid= *Poofs*
* xxxKid has left #tavern_v2

I don't know if he knows how bad he's hurting me. -_- Me and my FUCKING OVER-DUN-UBER EMOTIONAL HEART. GAWD. DO YOU PEOPLE THINK I WANT THIS?!!? THIS OVERLY SENSITIVE-NESS?!?!?! YOU ARE WRONG, SHITHOLES. >.< How I wish I could just go with the flow... How I'd just let all the bad hit me, and not let me fall down. But... a single strand of bad... makes me crumble. And I hate it. More than everybody that has to deal with it. Because I'm the one who's dealing with it the most... I am... I'm the only one really dealing with it... No one knows how I feel. v.v; No one can possibly understand it.

Anywho... I'm good. I think Moon and Justin cheered me up. <.< I love you both. VERY MUCH. Moon... I love you a lil' more than Justin... >.>; -Sneezes.- xD

Anywho.
Hm...
UPDATES: High-School is coming in about a weeeeek. ;________ ;
UPDATES: I can draw! ... Or not.
UPDATES: I miss Aurin, dearly. Please come back soon... ; . ;
UPDATES: Powdered milk taste tolerable in cereal!
UPDATES: I WISH ALANNA AND TROKEN THE BEST OF LUCK! (They are going to meet IRL... x.x; RIGHT NOW. THEY'RE FACE TO FACE!....... How I wish them so much luck and hope it works out alright. Though... HOW I ENVY THEM BOTH TOO! <333334567898765)
UPDATES: I LOVE MOON. She and Aurin are the only ones that can make me smile daily o.o, despite them only being communicable through computer.
UPDATES: I miss playing Socom II Online.....;. ; Oh how I just wish I could...SHOOT SOME ONLINE PEOPLE IN THE FACEEEEE~!@~~~~.
UPDATES: MOON. You do not suck! You rock my world, baby! GOT YA. HAHAHAHA.

[Random Updates!] Whu, baby.

Well. Let's see...what happened...
I think... maybe four days ago. I was sitting on the computer, and well, my Uncle is laying down rules I DO NOT UNDERSTAND!, Anywho... At the computer. He comes in and asks, "Did you take a break from the computer?" I was like..."Yeah..." SomethingelsesaidIforget. "Get off, now. No more computer tonight." Pissed I was...PISSED. Which...WASN'T FAIR AT ALL. I did take a break, I was just setting my 'Away' message on! >.<; God damn, I was going to the living room afterwards to watch a movie! But.. -Sigh.- Wasn't allowed on the computer the rest of the night. After that, I was going to watch the movie, but more family came in. - -; So I went to my cousin's room, he was at work so I just laid on his bed, in the dark, crying. CRYING?! >.< I don't even know why..Er..noooow I do. Crying because I felt I had nooo where to go. I hate it here, I hate it at home. I come here, because I'm not lonely. But still, it's a live hell. I sit in a room, only to be on a computer, I don't go out and talk to the people in the house. Because...everyone is, it seems, is always bickering and fighting, so ya know. I sit on the computer minding my own buisiness. Yet, SOMEONE, has to pick a fight with me. =/ Nooot right. Minding my own business and STILL get bitched at. -Sigh.-
Anywho... Laying on a bed in the dark, crying, mutter words such as... "I have no where to go... I fucking..hate it..." Suddenly, I look over, and can see a red light on the phone of the room, I lean up, stare at it, and pick the phone up. Thinking to myself..."Conan...this...is your fault..." I call the bastard! WHY?!!!!? -Sigh.- He picks up. "Hello?" I quickly hung up. Layed back down...cried even more..to the very sound of his voice. He had that tone in his voice...the tone he'd always get after playing with his lil' bro Danny or after he worked outside. Oh how I remembered...that tone. And how that tone pierced my heart when heard. God, I'm so stupid... I called him...Why. "Oh...maybe he'll talk to me now! WEEEEEEE! ;DDDd" Right.... -Such an idiot...-

Anywho... Other Up-dates. I seen the movie Constatine! It was one bad movie. It's like...the Ultimate religious movie! AND OMGZ!, Keeanu Reeves is UBER hott in that movie! Anywho...Such a bad movie. Even though I barely understand it. But. A must see / must buy movie tis' was!.
Other movie I saw recently, 'Man Of The House'. Hilarious movie.

Other Updates: I went school shopping! Got me some new clothes! Got jeans, some awesome shirts, a hoodie, new shoes, a bookbag..etc. I liked shopping by myself while my other had to go do something somewhere else in the store. x3 I humor myself. I was picking out lil' key-chains out for my bookbag, and I would THROW them into the cart. xD! Ah, humor, humor. But god. My god. GOD. Shopping with my mom and Grandma is an absolute HELL. ; . ; Please...shadows...of divine spirits...help me next time, next time I go shopping with them, please. Do. Not. Let. Me. KILL THEM!~#@~# xP~

Anywho. Updates: I actually went home for a night. (Would have been two nights, but I missed my Erik. ; . ;). Anywho... It was alright. I got to see me kitties!!! Spook and Ritter. Gosh, Ritter missed me!-Luvvle.- Anywho...Rented Man of the House and Constantine for mom and step-dad to watch. Neither of them seemed to like Constatine! Though. Both of them jumped 2 inches in the air when the Mexican got hit by a car in the beginning. Hilarious. Dad was like "OHSHIT!" >O Basts... Anywho...Both liked Man of the House. Gooood movie. Anywho.

Updates: I think me and Justin have lost that...'close' friendship... I think he's going through puberty. x3 He's changing. He's like...so mean to me now. -Shrugs.- I hope nothing is going to change too much. I don't want to be alone in my first year of High-School. ; . ; And I don't want to lose him. >.<; Because I love him much. <.<

Updates: I LOVE MOONNNN!!!!
Updates: I miss Erik. >_______>
Updates: I finally posted C/G!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHUUUUUUU. ~Hellayuyah!~
Updates: I talked and giggled with Aurin!!!
Updates: Met some new RPGC people! Wh00t!..Their names are.... Whit, Forgotten, Garret...and...I forget.
Updates: I recorded my voice! My voice doesn't sound half bad after all!
Updates: I HAD PIE!.....Actually...I just wish I did....; . ;

Updates: .............................